Kim, I Still Can’t Believe That You’re Gone

 

Kim, 

Today is that horrible date that I can't forget.  The day that you were gone, nine years ago.  It feels like yesterday, yet it feels like a long time.

I had a dream the other night that you were telling me that you were thinking of moving to New Jersey.  When I was waking up (half awake), I thought, "Well, where does she live now?"  That's because part of me always feels like you must just be living somewhere else, that you can't possibly be gone.

It still hurts too much, after all these years.  I guess that's why I have trouble believing it.  It just doesn't seem right.

Snow is here already, and the photo above makes me think of when you were so happy to see the snow that time when you came home for a visit.  I wish you could visit.  No, I wish you could come back and stay.

We just miss you, always.

Love,

Chris

Kim, It's Still Hard to be Missing You

 

Kim, I thought about you just now and I couldn't finish my sleep.  Tomorrow you would've been 51.

Your son can barely remember you and said that he doesn't think about you much, which upset Mum (his grandmother) terribly, but I do understand how that happened.  

Ethan, you were young when your mom was gone, and it's not your fault.  We've tried to talk about her, but it's hard for you to hear.  It was too painful to remember her, so you sort of stopped.  Someday maybe you will be able to listen, when you can handle it.

For some of us, Kim being gone will never be something that we can fully accept.

I have no words of wisdom for anyone suffering.  We try to just remember the good times, but it doesn't seem to work like that for us.  It just hurts.  

Our First Year of the Pandemic

 

I know that the photo above looks like it's from dining out during the pandemic, but it was just a fun winter dining thing we did pre-pandemic.

My husband and I are high-risk, so we've been insanely cautious for this last year.  No dining out, indoor or outdoor.  No takeout food at all.  Groceries are only delivered or put into our trunk (no contact).

One year ago today was our last sort of normal day out.  We did one of our rare Whole Foods trips (everyone in the store was maskless then) and ate at a fast food place on the way home.  We decided that we were going to mostly stay home from then on, and my husband decided to work from home, whether his boss liked it or not.  Soon after his decision, his whole office shifted to working from home.

I've only left the apartment three times in this last year.  Two times were visiting with my mum on our apartment patio (separated by at least six feet), and one time was with Mum and our nephew distanced in a park (for his birthday).  My husband goes out more often, to move the car, mail packages, pick up prescriptions, etc.  

We didn't do that much socially even pre-pandemic, but we used to go to my mum's about once a week to play Scrabble, and we'd sometimes dine out with her or have takeout at her house on those same days, or sometimes we'd dine out with her and our nephew.  So, the change hasn't been too drastic for us.  We just couldn't afford to dine out or shop even before the pandemic, so we didn't do much then either.

I'm grateful that my husband has been able to successfully work from home.  That's two hours a day of dangerous commuting time that he doesn't have to do, and it's worked out fine, so far.  

I'm also glad that we live where we can get deliveries of Walmart groceries.  Our food options are limited, but at least it's relatively safe and simple.

I'm also lucky that I like my husband and he likes me, so we aren't suffering by being together.  I feel bad for people in bad marriages or other rough living situations.

We quarantine our groceries for three days every time we get them.  Refrigerated things go in refrigerator drawers for three days, frozen things go to one side of the freezer, and the rest of the things sit in our entryway until the three days is up.

Many people would say that our behavior this past year has been extreme, but we are doing what we are comfortable with.  Not much is going to change for us for the foreseeable future.  We will continue to do the same things, because we really can't risk getting sick.

Because of our refusal to eat takeout, our limited grocery options, and our various health conditions, our meals are tremendously boring most of the time.  I feel like I'm constantly fixing vegetables, doing dishes, and making other food, and in fact, I sort of am.  I need to work on being a bit more creative with our meals.

We only recently started doing Zoom "meetings" with Mum, so we could play Scrabble.  For very long, the other two were skeptical about how Scrabble would work, but I figured it out.  Mum is one team, and we are the other team, so my husband and I take turns when it's our turn.  We have a Scrabble board at each house, and a whole bag of letters at each house.  We play with nine letters on our rack, just like we used to at her house.  It's working out fine to play like this.  It's fun.

The first time we tried to connect, we were trying to use some Facebook chat thing, because I had seen an ad saying it was so easy to use.  Well, that was a lie, because we spent an hour or more first trying that, then switching to Zoom and trying to figure that out.  If that had been a YouTube video, it would've been pretty funny, because we were all so clueless.  Most of the time we connect easily now, but we've still had some troubles.  I always say that most technology should be easier and simpler to use.  It really should. 

I dabbled a bit with Facebook this year, but it isn't really a healthy place for me to be.  I have enough trouble staying mentally centered without messing around with that.

So, I wouldn't say that we are thriving, but we certainly are surviving.  Mum is doing online Tae Kwon Do classes (she's a second degree black belt) and taking some private TKD classes, too.  She may have done an online tournament today, but I haven't checked on that yet.

I think often about all of the people who don't have the options that we do...people who have to go to work, have to be around people, can't get groceries delivered, etc.  Nurses and other essential workers are saints, though I certainly didn't fault, in any way, the nurses who quit near the beginning of the pandemic because their employers weren't providing the proper equipment to keep them safe.

I know that my husband and I are lucky to have the options that we do.  But then there are the fools that go around maskless and hang out in crowds for no good reason, or who think they have to have their Italian vacation or whatever, and so the virus keeps spreading.  

So many people have lost loved ones.  It's really such a sad and terrible mess.

Okay, I know I need to calm down.  I've been angry way too often this past year.  I need to take charge of my life here at home and keep working on making things better in this, our new reality.

Still Missing You, Kim

 

[I wish there were photos to accompany all of the things I'm going to talk about, but we've never taken enough photos (we didn't even take one on my recent birthday).  In the old days developing film cost too much, so we rarely took any.  Now, with digital photos, we just forget.  So dopey!]

Kim,

Today it is 8 years that you've been gone.  We had a lot of good times...

When you were little, there was skiing, blanket forts, snowball fights, ice skating, flying you like an airplane outside (me holding one arm and one leg of yours) or inside (you up on my feet), learning to play just one song on the piano (The Keane Brothers), jumping in puddles during or after the rain, you and Juli dressed up as Leia and Han from Star Wars, riding down the stairs on our hot pink stuffed gorilla named Cinnamon, roller skating in the basement, etc.

When you were a pre-teen there was us trying to play tennis (me hitting the ball repeatedly out of the court (over the high, high fence)), trying to cross country ski near the apartment (you stuck in the snow), me waking you up with the Sgt. Pepper Good Morning song and fixing you breakfast before you went to school.

In your early teens we didn't do too much because you were busy quite often with your friends, but when we went to Austria with Mum and Mark it was some of my happiest memories.  We got to roam around by ourselves in Innsbruck, sometimes speaking "British" (because no one would know how bad our fake accents were) or sometimes making up songs like "Pee-zah (pizza), pee-zah pee-zah-ree!" or getting lost and trying to find the hotel again.  

We had fun with the waiter who laughed at you picking up half of a pizza (because for some reason they didn't cut it into slices) and the same waiter trying to show us menus in different languages (took him a few tries to select the one in English, even though we were talking the whole time).  Also, there was us trying out a bit of German (from my phrase book) here and there and me getting laughed at when trying to buy a pack of gum, you asking anyone in the family to let you dip your roll in their egg yolks (because you didn't want to spend your money on breakfast), and also you singing me your main song from the musical you starred in (Cinderella or ? - "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream.  I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a dream.") in our hotel room.  It was such a great time!

For many years, you were away at college, and sometimes all the way across the country.  When you were back here (and a doctor) I should've used every opportunity I had to see you.  I still can't help feeling bad about the times we didn't visit with you and Ethan because of being tired, or because of family drama (not between us), or when I kept you away from a couple of Christmas Eve dinners with my in-laws to avoid hurting someone else's feelings.  It was wrong, and I will always regret it.  Any times I  missed with you were more time that we could've shared.

We had such fun times with you and Ethan, though, when we did manage to get together.  Playing video games and board games, eating dinner, and just laughing.  Those were some really good times.  We miss them so much, and we miss you.

Oh, how we all wish you were here.  I'm sorry that I can't express it better, but we just love you so much, and it's really terrible that you aren't here.

Love,

Chris

Kim, Thank You for the Love You've Been Sending

 

Kim, today you would've been 50.  I wish you could be here.  We all miss you every day.

I do appreciate the hearts that you've been sending me since you left, all these years.  You've sent more of them the last few weeks, leading up to your birthday.  I do believe that that's deliberate, because you know we think of you even more at this time, and miss you even more.

There was the fried fish crumb...

...the heart in the potato chip...

...the chicken strip crumb...

...the blob of jelly...

...and the hole in my toast.

Some people would say that I'm just looking for these things, but I've loved hearts my whole life and didn't see them until you were gone.  Maybe some of them are from other people we've loved and lost, but I do believe that the ones recently (and many others) have been from you.

What do these mean?  Some would say, "You eat too many carbs and fried foods?"  Ha ha.  Nah, I just haven't happened to see things in my vegetables and my glasses of water.  I do believe that you are trying to send me signs of your love, so that I can know that you are thinking of us all and so that I can share that message of hope with Mum, and with others online who are grieving.

I know that you wish the best for all of us.  We wish you could be here to help us all (especially Mum and Ethan) through these trying times.

We will always miss you and love you, dear sister.  Please watch over us, and we will see you again someday.

Love,

Chris

I Will Never Watch Dancing With the Stars Again

 

They recently announced the new lineup for Dancing With the Stars.  The people I would've been interested to see (because I like these people) are...

• Disney Channel actress Skai Jackson
• actress Justina Machado (One Day at a Time)
• Emmy-winning host of The Real and sideline correspondent on Holey Moley, Jeannie Mai
• Olympic figure skater and on-air commentator Johnny Weir

...but since I lost all respect for the show, the judges, and the producers the last time I watched the show, I will not be watching and never will again, no matter who they put on.

What happened was James Van Der Beek was in the bottom two, along with some female.  I can't remember her name.  The judges then were able to save one of them, and they chose her.

I knew something was fishy right there.  James was at least twice as good as she was, probably more.  They were supposed to be making their decision based on EVERYTHING the "stars" had done on the show up to that point, not just on one dance.  The judges chose incorrectly, and I knew they were being phonies and liars.  I lost all respect for all of the judges at that point.

I Googled to see what was going on.  Someone said that they thought the show had chosen that female as their "darling" for the season, and the person guessed that it was related to some upcoming project.  A short time later, it was shown to be true.  There was some kind of show with her that was being made.  I don't even know who won, and I don't care, but at that point in the show, they wanted to keep her in no matter what.  

I know I could research her name or other details, but I'm too tired at the moment.  I just wanted to say this while I was thinking about it...the show is crooked, rigged, and fake.  I never felt that before, but I did when James Van Der Beek was eliminated.  I don't trust anything about DWTS anymore, and never will.

Beware of the Toxic Friend

 

People told me from the start that she was a bad person and a user.  Then other people told me the same thing in subsequent years.  I always responded that she was a caring person and that she had a lot of good qualities.  I only realized recently that she would only string me along by being nice (some of the time) so that she could get what she wanted out of me.  She was only as nice as she needed to be to keep me around, but she was also very, very bad for me.

She had problems.  Well, we all have problems, but hers were so deep that nothing could heal them, so she wanted to create constant drama and strife, both for herself and for me.  She seemed to have something against me from the start.  I guess it was her upbringing, and all that she had been through.  She did seem to resent me for not having suffered as much as she did, and she wanted to inflict pain on me.

For decades, on and off, we were friends.  Sure, there were some good moments, and some kindness from her, but I really put up with so much crap, and so did my husband.  My suffering caused him to suffer, and that is my biggest regret.  I couldn't clearly see what she was doing to me, and why, until recently.

I would read articles about toxic friends, but my case didn't seem to fit, so I convinced myself she wasn't one.  She was much more subtle than the toxic friends talked about in these articles.  She wasn't directly critical of me and attacking me.  She used techniques like gas-lighting and subtle underhanded criticisms to get to me.  It wasn't all criticism.  In fact, most of it was just her trying to upset me, by talking about things she knew would get me riled up.  Things she knew I was worried about, or had strong feelings about.

What she seemed to want was attention.  So, if I wasn't giving her enough (and nothing was ever enough for her), she would say things that she knew would upset and/or irritate me, so that I would respond.  I kept taking the bait, being angry, and responding to her, which is what she wanted.

I would bend over backwards trying to deal with her daily traumas, many of which were created by the things she would do and say in her daily life.  She would also get sick and injured a lot, for more attention.  I would be responding (for many years by just phone or email) and giving her a lot of my attention, but since it was never enough, she would try to upset me so I'd have to "talk" to her more.

I ended the relationship several times, but would go back to her.  I don't understand why, but I guess I felt I needed a friend.  I would try to protect myself by setting boundaries, but she repeatedly would cross those boundaries.

The final straw was when I was really having a hard time dealing with her, and said so.  She said we should take a break for three months, and she wouldn't contact me.  I said that sounded like a good idea.  After three months, the first thing she did was complain about me not being there for her and said that this wasn't a relationship so we shouldn't even bother.  Oh, my God, I had been there for her so often, for all these years, and then I have trouble handling her, and her first comment after our break is a complaint.  I told her that if she had been normal, I would've continued our friendship, but since she just started to attack me, I was fine with it being over.

I know I'm not fully explaining all of the things that she did to me, but I just don't want to get too upset.  Maybe I will write more another time, but for now please just listen to my advice...if your gut is telling you that your friend might be toxic, they probably are.  It doesn't matter what the checklists or articles say.  If you have tried to make things work, but they are generally bad, it's toxic.  If you have tried to set boundaries, but your "friend" doesn't respect them, that's toxic.  If they make you feel upset and awful a lot of the time, that's toxic.  So, do yourself a favor, and get out.  I know I'm glad that I did.  I only wish I had done it much, much sooner.

Hilary Swank sues SAG-AFTRA health plan after coverage is denied for ovarian cysts: 'Barbaric'

Part of this article...

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/hilary-swank-sues-sag-aftra-health-plan-coverage-denied-ovarian-cysts-barbaric-163144143.html

...said:

"Ovarian cysts are fluid-filled sacs or pockets in an ovary or on its surface. According to the Mayo Clinic, a large ovarian cyst can cause pelvic pain a dull or sharp ache in the lower abdomen on the side of the cyst."

Are you F-ing kidding me, Mayo Clinic?  When I had my ovarian cysts, the pain was excruciating!  I was lying down, doubled over in pain, feeling like my ovary was being twisted and wrenched to the extreme!  It wasn't just "a dull or sharp ache."  It was super-intense, unfathomable pain that wouldn't be relieved by any over-the-counter pain medications.

They sure do try to minimize the severity of this female problem.  Sure, some women might have the milder pain, but to actually be informative and clear, you should put the whole range of what the experience is.

Also, people shouldn't have to sue to get coverage for health conditions.  It's so ridiculous.

Do You Know Any 83-Year-Old That Can Do This?

This is my mum.  These images and videos are from last year, when she was 82, but she can still do it all now, at 83.

She's a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do and she can kick, hit, break boards with her hands, and so much more.  If she squeezes your arm, in a friendly way, it hurts a lot (she sometimes doesn't know her own strength).

Sure, a few people might know a person my mum's age who can do these things, but I'm sure that there aren't many.

Two short, but great videos of her doing...

...a dive roll

...a dive roll with a bo (meaning, a staff)

Of course, she can do so much more.  These are just the only videos that I can access at this moment.

She is such an inspiration.  I'd love to be like her someday - healthy, fit, talented, and cool.  She's just amazing and I'm so proud of her!

Time Spent with Loved Ones Is Never Long Enough

Dear Kim,

It's six years since you left this planet.  Today, November 14th.  It sounds selfish, but I'm grateful that it wasn't a week earlier, on my birthday.  It's still hard enough that it's so close.  I know many people lose loved ones on birthdays and holidays, or near them, which must make those days even more difficult than they already are.

Look at your smiling, happy face.  We all miss it so much.  We know you would want us to smile, laugh, live, and love, yet we are still struggling.  You touched so many lives - for the better, of course.  You had so many friends, who I am sure still love you and miss you terribly, like we in your family do, too.

I regret all the time we didn't spend together, because you were living far away, or because Dean and I were too tired to spend some Sundays when you lived here, etc.  I'm sorry for not letting you come out to dinner on Christmas Eve a couple of times with Dean's family because I was too worried about offending some who would be left out.  That was wrong of me.  No matter how much time we did have together, when someone is gone, you just wish for more.

I remember a lot of good times...

When you were around five years old, you and Juli dressed as Princess Leia and Han Solo, respectively.  I don't know if it was Halloween, or just for fun, but I wish I could find that photo right now.  Also around that time, you and I jumping in puddles during a rainstorm.  The three of us building forts in the living room, and going skiing (you and I taking turns going through each other's legs on a gentle hill at Alpine Valley).  The three of us girls and Mom all dressed in the same sundress (it was longer on you because you were small (they were stretchy on top and were one-size-fits-all)).  Me flying you like an airplane on my feet, and also flying you by one arm and one leg outside, too (you were always so fearless).

When you were around twelve years old, four of us in the family going to Austria.  You and I spending some time on our own, getting lost in Innsbruck, laughing with the waiter who laughed at you picking up half of a pizza to bite it, trying to get him to figure out which menu to give us (we only knew English well enough), singing songs (about pizza, arriving at the hotel, etc.) all around the town and laughing at Mum's funny jumping jacks/scissors walking/jumping move.  Then later, in our room, you singing your song from the musical you starred in.  I saw many of Juli's plays and musicals in later years, but I couldn't make it to that one of yours because I had no car.  You played Sleeping Beauty, but it was before cell phones and the preponderance of camcorders, so we have no record of it.

When you were around thirteen years old, all of us going to Jamaica, and you begging me to go to the beach, me being too lazy for sunscreen that day and getting burned, bright red, painful legs, and Mum putting aloe on them.

And then when you were an adult and moved back here again...

Laughing at your place on Sundays when your wonderful, silly Ethan was being so funny.  I worked hard cooking things for your special diet, so we could all eat together.  I cherish those Sundays.  There were too few of them.

Our time was all too brief, once you were back home.

I wish I could feel that carefree joy again.

Love,

Chris