Kim, I Still Can’t Believe That You’re Gone

 

Kim, 

Today is that horrible date that I can't forget.  The day that you were gone, nine years ago.  It feels like yesterday, yet it feels like a long time.

I had a dream the other night that you were telling me that you were thinking of moving to New Jersey.  When I was waking up (half awake), I thought, "Well, where does she live now?"  That's because part of me always feels like you must just be living somewhere else, that you can't possibly be gone.

It still hurts too much, after all these years.  I guess that's why I have trouble believing it.  It just doesn't seem right.

Snow is here already, and the photo above makes me think of when you were so happy to see the snow that time when you came home for a visit.  I wish you could visit.  No, I wish you could come back and stay.

We just miss you, always.

Love,

Chris

Kim, It's Still Hard to be Missing You

 

Kim, I thought about you just now and I couldn't finish my sleep.  Tomorrow you would've been 51.

Your son can barely remember you and said that he doesn't think about you much, which upset Mum (his grandmother) terribly, but I do understand how that happened.  

Ethan, you were young when your mom was gone, and it's not your fault.  We've tried to talk about her, but it's hard for you to hear.  It was too painful to remember her, so you sort of stopped.  Someday maybe you will be able to listen, when you can handle it.

For some of us, Kim being gone will never be something that we can fully accept.

I have no words of wisdom for anyone suffering.  We try to just remember the good times, but it doesn't seem to work like that for us.  It just hurts.  

Our First Year of the Pandemic

 

I know that the photo above looks like it's from dining out during the pandemic, but it was just a fun winter dining thing we did pre-pandemic.

My husband and I are high-risk, so we've been insanely cautious for this last year.  No dining out, indoor or outdoor.  No takeout food at all.  Groceries are only delivered or put into our trunk (no contact).

One year ago today was our last sort of normal day out.  We did one of our rare Whole Foods trips (everyone in the store was maskless then) and ate at a fast food place on the way home.  We decided that we were going to mostly stay home from then on, and my husband decided to work from home, whether his boss liked it or not.  Soon after his decision, his whole office shifted to working from home.

I've only left the apartment three times in this last year.  Two times were visiting with my mum on our apartment patio (separated by at least six feet), and one time was with Mum and our nephew distanced in a park (for his birthday).  My husband goes out more often, to move the car, mail packages, pick up prescriptions, etc.  

We didn't do that much socially even pre-pandemic, but we used to go to my mum's about once a week to play Scrabble, and we'd sometimes dine out with her or have takeout at her house on those same days, or sometimes we'd dine out with her and our nephew.  So, the change hasn't been too drastic for us.  We just couldn't afford to dine out or shop even before the pandemic, so we didn't do much then either.

I'm grateful that my husband has been able to successfully work from home.  That's two hours a day of dangerous commuting time that he doesn't have to do, and it's worked out fine, so far.  

I'm also glad that we live where we can get deliveries of Walmart groceries.  Our food options are limited, but at least it's relatively safe and simple.

I'm also lucky that I like my husband and he likes me, so we aren't suffering by being together.  I feel bad for people in bad marriages or other rough living situations.

We quarantine our groceries for three days every time we get them.  Refrigerated things go in refrigerator drawers for three days, frozen things go to one side of the freezer, and the rest of the things sit in our entryway until the three days is up.

Many people would say that our behavior this past year has been extreme, but we are doing what we are comfortable with.  Not much is going to change for us for the foreseeable future.  We will continue to do the same things, because we really can't risk getting sick.

Because of our refusal to eat takeout, our limited grocery options, and our various health conditions, our meals are tremendously boring most of the time.  I feel like I'm constantly fixing vegetables, doing dishes, and making other food, and in fact, I sort of am.  I need to work on being a bit more creative with our meals.

We only recently started doing Zoom "meetings" with Mum, so we could play Scrabble.  For very long, the other two were skeptical about how Scrabble would work, but I figured it out.  Mum is one team, and we are the other team, so my husband and I take turns when it's our turn.  We have a Scrabble board at each house, and a whole bag of letters at each house.  We play with nine letters on our rack, just like we used to at her house.  It's working out fine to play like this.  It's fun.

The first time we tried to connect, we were trying to use some Facebook chat thing, because I had seen an ad saying it was so easy to use.  Well, that was a lie, because we spent an hour or more first trying that, then switching to Zoom and trying to figure that out.  If that had been a YouTube video, it would've been pretty funny, because we were all so clueless.  Most of the time we connect easily now, but we've still had some troubles.  I always say that most technology should be easier and simpler to use.  It really should. 

I dabbled a bit with Facebook this year, but it isn't really a healthy place for me to be.  I have enough trouble staying mentally centered without messing around with that.

So, I wouldn't say that we are thriving, but we certainly are surviving.  Mum is doing online Tae Kwon Do classes (she's a second degree black belt) and taking some private TKD classes, too.  She may have done an online tournament today, but I haven't checked on that yet.

I think often about all of the people who don't have the options that we do...people who have to go to work, have to be around people, can't get groceries delivered, etc.  Nurses and other essential workers are saints, though I certainly didn't fault, in any way, the nurses who quit near the beginning of the pandemic because their employers weren't providing the proper equipment to keep them safe.

I know that my husband and I are lucky to have the options that we do.  But then there are the fools that go around maskless and hang out in crowds for no good reason, or who think they have to have their Italian vacation or whatever, and so the virus keeps spreading.  

So many people have lost loved ones.  It's really such a sad and terrible mess.

Okay, I know I need to calm down.  I've been angry way too often this past year.  I need to take charge of my life here at home and keep working on making things better in this, our new reality.

Still Missing You, Kim

 

[I wish there were photos to accompany all of the things I'm going to talk about, but we've never taken enough photos (we didn't even take one on my recent birthday).  In the old days developing film cost too much, so we rarely took any.  Now, with digital photos, we just forget.  So dopey!]

Kim,

Today it is 8 years that you've been gone.  We had a lot of good times...

When you were little, there was skiing, blanket forts, snowball fights, ice skating, flying you like an airplane outside (me holding one arm and one leg of yours) or inside (you up on my feet), learning to play just one song on the piano (The Keane Brothers), jumping in puddles during or after the rain, you and Juli dressed up as Leia and Han from Star Wars, riding down the stairs on our hot pink stuffed gorilla named Cinnamon, roller skating in the basement, etc.

When you were a pre-teen there was us trying to play tennis (me hitting the ball repeatedly out of the court (over the high, high fence)), trying to cross country ski near the apartment (you stuck in the snow), me waking you up with the Sgt. Pepper Good Morning song and fixing you breakfast before you went to school.

In your early teens we didn't do too much because you were busy quite often with your friends, but when we went to Austria with Mum and Mark it was some of my happiest memories.  We got to roam around by ourselves in Innsbruck, sometimes speaking "British" (because no one would know how bad our fake accents were) or sometimes making up songs like "Pee-zah (pizza), pee-zah pee-zah-ree!" or getting lost and trying to find the hotel again.  

We had fun with the waiter who laughed at you picking up half of a pizza (because for some reason they didn't cut it into slices) and the same waiter trying to show us menus in different languages (took him a few tries to select the one in English, even though we were talking the whole time).  Also, there was us trying out a bit of German (from my phrase book) here and there and me getting laughed at when trying to buy a pack of gum, you asking anyone in the family to let you dip your roll in their egg yolks (because you didn't want to spend your money on breakfast), and also you singing me your main song from the musical you starred in (Cinderella or ? - "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream.  I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a dream.") in our hotel room.  It was such a great time!

For many years, you were away at college, and sometimes all the way across the country.  When you were back here (and a doctor) I should've used every opportunity I had to see you.  I still can't help feeling bad about the times we didn't visit with you and Ethan because of being tired, or because of family drama (not between us), or when I kept you away from a couple of Christmas Eve dinners with my in-laws to avoid hurting someone else's feelings.  It was wrong, and I will always regret it.  Any times I  missed with you were more time that we could've shared.

We had such fun times with you and Ethan, though, when we did manage to get together.  Playing video games and board games, eating dinner, and just laughing.  Those were some really good times.  We miss them so much, and we miss you.

Oh, how we all wish you were here.  I'm sorry that I can't express it better, but we just love you so much, and it's really terrible that you aren't here.

Love,

Chris

Kim, Thank You for the Love You've Been Sending

 

Kim, today you would've been 50.  I wish you could be here.  We all miss you every day.

I do appreciate the hearts that you've been sending me since you left, all these years.  You've sent more of them the last few weeks, leading up to your birthday.  I do believe that that's deliberate, because you know we think of you even more at this time, and miss you even more.

There was the fried fish crumb...

...the heart in the potato chip...

...the chicken strip crumb...

...the blob of jelly...

...and the hole in my toast.

Some people would say that I'm just looking for these things, but I've loved hearts my whole life and didn't see them until you were gone.  Maybe some of them are from other people we've loved and lost, but I do believe that the ones recently (and many others) have been from you.

What do these mean?  Some would say, "You eat too many carbs and fried foods?"  Ha ha.  Nah, I just haven't happened to see things in my vegetables and my glasses of water.  I do believe that you are trying to send me signs of your love, so that I can know that you are thinking of us all and so that I can share that message of hope with Mum, and with others online who are grieving.

I know that you wish the best for all of us.  We wish you could be here to help us all (especially Mum and Ethan) through these trying times.

We will always miss you and love you, dear sister.  Please watch over us, and we will see you again someday.

Love,

Chris

I Will Never Watch Dancing With the Stars Again

 

They recently announced the new lineup for Dancing With the Stars.  The people I would've been interested to see (because I like these people) are...

• Disney Channel actress Skai Jackson
• actress Justina Machado (One Day at a Time)
• Emmy-winning host of The Real and sideline correspondent on Holey Moley, Jeannie Mai
• Olympic figure skater and on-air commentator Johnny Weir

...but since I lost all respect for the show, the judges, and the producers the last time I watched the show, I will not be watching and never will again, no matter who they put on.

What happened was James Van Der Beek was in the bottom two, along with some female.  I can't remember her name.  The judges then were able to save one of them, and they chose her.

I knew something was fishy right there.  James was at least twice as good as she was, probably more.  They were supposed to be making their decision based on EVERYTHING the "stars" had done on the show up to that point, not just on one dance.  The judges chose incorrectly, and I knew they were being phonies and liars.  I lost all respect for all of the judges at that point.

I Googled to see what was going on.  Someone said that they thought the show had chosen that female as their "darling" for the season, and the person guessed that it was related to some upcoming project.  A short time later, it was shown to be true.  There was some kind of show with her that was being made.  I don't even know who won, and I don't care, but at that point in the show, they wanted to keep her in no matter what.  

I know I could research her name or other details, but I'm too tired at the moment.  I just wanted to say this while I was thinking about it...the show is crooked, rigged, and fake.  I never felt that before, but I did when James Van Der Beek was eliminated.  I don't trust anything about DWTS anymore, and never will.

Beware of the Toxic Friend

 

People told me from the start that she was a bad person and a user.  Then other people told me the same thing in subsequent years.  I always responded that she was a caring person and that she had a lot of good qualities.  I only realized recently that she would only string me along by being nice (some of the time) so that she could get what she wanted out of me.  She was only as nice as she needed to be to keep me around, but she was also very, very bad for me.

She had problems.  Well, we all have problems, but hers were so deep that nothing could heal them, so she wanted to create constant drama and strife, both for herself and for me.  She seemed to have something against me from the start.  I guess it was her upbringing, and all that she had been through.  She did seem to resent me for not having suffered as much as she did, and she wanted to inflict pain on me.

For decades, on and off, we were friends.  Sure, there were some good moments, and some kindness from her, but I really put up with so much crap, and so did my husband.  My suffering caused him to suffer, and that is my biggest regret.  I couldn't clearly see what she was doing to me, and why, until recently.

I would read articles about toxic friends, but my case didn't seem to fit, so I convinced myself she wasn't one.  She was much more subtle than the toxic friends talked about in these articles.  She wasn't directly critical of me and attacking me.  She used techniques like gas-lighting and subtle underhanded criticisms to get to me.  It wasn't all criticism.  In fact, most of it was just her trying to upset me, by talking about things she knew would get me riled up.  Things she knew I was worried about, or had strong feelings about.

What she seemed to want was attention.  So, if I wasn't giving her enough (and nothing was ever enough for her), she would say things that she knew would upset and/or irritate me, so that I would respond.  I kept taking the bait, being angry, and responding to her, which is what she wanted.

I would bend over backwards trying to deal with her daily traumas, many of which were created by the things she would do and say in her daily life.  She would also get sick and injured a lot, for more attention.  I would be responding (for many years by just phone or email) and giving her a lot of my attention, but since it was never enough, she would try to upset me so I'd have to "talk" to her more.

I ended the relationship several times, but would go back to her.  I don't understand why, but I guess I felt I needed a friend.  I would try to protect myself by setting boundaries, but she repeatedly would cross those boundaries.

The final straw was when I was really having a hard time dealing with her, and said so.  She said we should take a break for three months, and she wouldn't contact me.  I said that sounded like a good idea.  After three months, the first thing she did was complain about me not being there for her and said that this wasn't a relationship so we shouldn't even bother.  Oh, my God, I had been there for her so often, for all these years, and then I have trouble handling her, and her first comment after our break is a complaint.  I told her that if she had been normal, I would've continued our friendship, but since she just started to attack me, I was fine with it being over.

I know I'm not fully explaining all of the things that she did to me, but I just don't want to get too upset.  Maybe I will write more another time, but for now please just listen to my advice...if your gut is telling you that your friend might be toxic, they probably are.  It doesn't matter what the checklists or articles say.  If you have tried to make things work, but they are generally bad, it's toxic.  If you have tried to set boundaries, but your "friend" doesn't respect them, that's toxic.  If they make you feel upset and awful a lot of the time, that's toxic.  So, do yourself a favor, and get out.  I know I'm glad that I did.  I only wish I had done it much, much sooner.

Hilary Swank sues SAG-AFTRA health plan after coverage is denied for ovarian cysts: 'Barbaric'

Part of this article...

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/hilary-swank-sues-sag-aftra-health-plan-coverage-denied-ovarian-cysts-barbaric-163144143.html

...said:

"Ovarian cysts are fluid-filled sacs or pockets in an ovary or on its surface. According to the Mayo Clinic, a large ovarian cyst can cause pelvic pain a dull or sharp ache in the lower abdomen on the side of the cyst."

Are you F-ing kidding me, Mayo Clinic?  When I had my ovarian cysts, the pain was excruciating!  I was lying down, doubled over in pain, feeling like my ovary was being twisted and wrenched to the extreme!  It wasn't just "a dull or sharp ache."  It was super-intense, unfathomable pain that wouldn't be relieved by any over-the-counter pain medications.

They sure do try to minimize the severity of this female problem.  Sure, some women might have the milder pain, but to actually be informative and clear, you should put the whole range of what the experience is.

Also, people shouldn't have to sue to get coverage for health conditions.  It's so ridiculous.

Do You Know Any 83-Year-Old That Can Do This?

This is my mum.  These images and videos are from last year, when she was 82, but she can still do it all now, at 83.

She's a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do and she can kick, hit, break boards with her hands, and so much more.  If she squeezes your arm, in a friendly way, it hurts a lot (she sometimes doesn't know her own strength).

Sure, a few people might know a person my mum's age who can do these things, but I'm sure that there aren't many.

Two short, but great videos of her doing...

...a dive roll

...a dive roll with a bo (meaning, a staff)

Of course, she can do so much more.  These are just the only videos that I can access at this moment.

She is such an inspiration.  I'd love to be like her someday - healthy, fit, talented, and cool.  She's just amazing and I'm so proud of her!

Time Spent with Loved Ones Is Never Long Enough

Dear Kim,

It's six years since you left this planet.  Today, November 14th.  It sounds selfish, but I'm grateful that it wasn't a week earlier, on my birthday.  It's still hard enough that it's so close.  I know many people lose loved ones on birthdays and holidays, or near them, which must make those days even more difficult than they already are.

Look at your smiling, happy face.  We all miss it so much.  We know you would want us to smile, laugh, live, and love, yet we are still struggling.  You touched so many lives - for the better, of course.  You had so many friends, who I am sure still love you and miss you terribly, like we in your family do, too.

I regret all the time we didn't spend together, because you were living far away, or because Dean and I were too tired to spend some Sundays when you lived here, etc.  I'm sorry for not letting you come out to dinner on Christmas Eve a couple of times with Dean's family because I was too worried about offending some who would be left out.  That was wrong of me.  No matter how much time we did have together, when someone is gone, you just wish for more.

I remember a lot of good times...

When you were around five years old, you and Juli dressed as Princess Leia and Han Solo, respectively.  I don't know if it was Halloween, or just for fun, but I wish I could find that photo right now.  Also around that time, you and I jumping in puddles during a rainstorm.  The three of us building forts in the living room, and going skiing (you and I taking turns going through each other's legs on a gentle hill at Alpine Valley).  The three of us girls and Mom all dressed in the same sundress (it was longer on you because you were small (they were stretchy on top and were one-size-fits-all)).  Me flying you like an airplane on my feet, and also flying you by one arm and one leg outside, too (you were always so fearless).

When you were around twelve years old, four of us in the family going to Austria.  You and I spending some time on our own, getting lost in Innsbruck, laughing with the waiter who laughed at you picking up half of a pizza to bite it, trying to get him to figure out which menu to give us (we only knew English well enough), singing songs (about pizza, arriving at the hotel, etc.) all around the town and laughing at Mum's funny jumping jacks/scissors walking/jumping move.  Then later, in our room, you singing your song from the musical you starred in.  I saw many of Juli's plays and musicals in later years, but I couldn't make it to that one of yours because I had no car.  You played Sleeping Beauty, but it was before cell phones and the preponderance of camcorders, so we have no record of it.

When you were around thirteen years old, all of us going to Jamaica, and you begging me to go to the beach, me being too lazy for sunscreen that day and getting burned, bright red, painful legs, and Mum putting aloe on them.

And then when you were an adult and moved back here again...

Laughing at your place on Sundays when your wonderful, silly Ethan was being so funny.  I worked hard cooking things for your special diet, so we could all eat together.  I cherish those Sundays.  There were too few of them.

Our time was all too brief, once you were back home.

I wish I could feel that carefree joy again.

Love,

Chris

The Case of the Disappearing Vest

Since it was Halloween a few days ago, I thought I'd talk about something a little bit creepy.  

My mum recently had her favorite leather vest disappear, and then reappear weeks later.  She had looked all over the house for it, including the place where she eventually found it, but it was nowhere to be seen for all that time.  Then suddenly, there it was.

Your first instinct would be to think of rational explanations - someone else borrowed it then put it back, someone moved it to play a prank on you, or you are just forgetful - but none of these were the case.

I recalled hearing of things like this in the past, so I Googled it.  People on message boards or commenting under articles called it DOP - disappearing object phenomenon.  There are various theories that the people had about what causes this.  Some said mischievous ghosts, trolls, or fairies, some said things about parallel universes intersecting, time tunnels, and sci-fi things like that.  It makes for interesting reading, especially near Halloween, but there are no clear answers.

I do know that an old friend and roommate of mine, Mary (nickname Phred - I probably shouldn't put her last name) told me that she had the ability to make things disappear.  She said she could make things not visible to people, like pens or their keys, when they were really right there.  She had other abilities, too, like seeing the future (especially bad things that would happen, which she didn't like) and astral projecting (she appeared once in her brother's room (far away) and he got very upset by it).  

I know you might think it sounds unbelievable, but if you knew Mary/Phred, she was the sweetest, most lovely person, and she wouldn't make anything up.  She was just an honest, caring, truthful person, all around.  Nothing about her would make me think she was ever lying.

Another strange thing that happened once was with a rosary of mine.  I'm not Catholic, but I've always thought rosaries were very beautiful.  Years ago I received one that used to belong to my husband's grandmother, who I never met.  My husband and I always talked about wanting to get her name engraved on the back of the cross.  One time I looked at it and the name was there.  Neither one of us remembered having it done.  Now, if I would forget doing it, that might make sense, because I forget a lot of things, but my husband has a great memory and he didn't remember taking it in.  It's not a thing that I would ever have done by myself either.  

I know most people have strange stories like this.  If I thought about it, I do have more that I could tell, too, but for now this is enough to think about, because I don't want to freak myself out too much!

☺️

Happy Birthday Kim, Though We Aren't Happy, of Course

Dear Kim,

Today would've been your 48th birthday.  Almost six years have gone by since you died, and many people still miss you every day.  It's still very, very hard for a lot of us.

Some people like to say that everything happens for a reason.  Well, they will never convince me, even if they had a million years, that there is any good reason for you to be gone.  It's not right, it's not okay, and I still can't accept it.

I know that you would want all of us to be happy and to be not just surviving, but thriving.  We want to be able to do this, but many of us are still having a lot of trouble doing so.  Some of us have experienced multiple important losses, and some of us were just very close to you.  It's hard for everyone in different ways.

The good news is that your son Ethan seems to be doing better.  We try our best to help him and make things as good as possible for him.  I believe that you can see for yourself that he is coping the best that he can.

I know this isn't eloquent.  I've had a hard time lately.  I just didn't want to forget your birthday.  

We all miss you and love you.  Crying here without you.

Chris

A few years ago I tried to click this YouTube video link, but the video wouldn't play (on our computer, anyway).  It's just a few seconds long, but now it works.  I just watched it for the first time yesterday.  Click on the title below if you want to see it.

Kim Saxe speaks at the WNPA hosted Midwest Regional Lyme Conference in Madison, WI

My Two Books (so far)

My site isn't up and running yet, so for now it's just going to link to this blog post about two books I've done.  You can get to Amazon by clicking on the colorful links or the cover graphics.

Thoughts and quotes by me about moms (good moms).

In Praise of Mom: Thoughts of Love and Gratitude

Cat humor and cuteness, courtesy of Zorro.

Live in the Meow

If you buy either of them, I hope you like them!

Christine

I Love Bobby Banas, The Nitty Gritty, and Chanzie & Stephen, too!

I'm always looking for ways to feel happier and to cheer up.  A couple of months ago I came across this video, and I've watched it so many times, and I just love it!

Shirley Ellis : The Nitty Gritty 1963 HD

The main guy in the front is the one that I can't stop watching.  His movements are so wild and fun.  His partner is good, too, and sometimes I watch her, but he (Bobby Banas or Robert Banas) just mesmerizes me.

link:  Bobby Banas on Wikipedia

On Wikipedia it said:

Banas said he began to dance at age five. “I would immediately run and stand in a doorway pretending it was a frame for a small stage. I then would jive, moving my body to and fro, trying to keep up with the beat of the music, knowing that when the music would crescendo I’d leap in the air defying gravity, only to land in a heap. I’d pick myself up and start it all over again. I just couldn’t sit still when I’d hear those big bands: Tommy Dorsey, Ray Anthony, Count Basie, Les Brown and Stan Kenton.”^[1]

Then, some time after I kept watching this older video (from the Judy Garland show), I came across this newer one, and it's a really good one, too.

RTSF 2016 - The Nitty Gritty - Chanzie & Stephen

In that video, she's the one that I can't stop watching, though both are great dancers.  

Just check out either of the two YouTube links if you need to be in a better mood.  That is, if you like the song, which I do.  Enjoy!

Still Wanting to Find More Joy Again

funny moments

My husband found this the other day when going through some papers.  This is just a photo that I took the other day of a photo printed on our printer with a note that I wrote years ago. 

Somewhere there is a better copy of that photo, of course, but the important thing is the note that I wrote on it.  For five years I've been mis-remembering what the moment was of that photo.  I kept saying that that photo where Ethan (our nephew) and I were laughing so hard that we cried was when we were playing a Mario game where we kept knocking each other off a vine.

Now I see this note and realize that we were probably watching Ninjago and Ethan made that joke.  Back when he was five, we joked a lot about farts and burping, and it was great, silly fun.  

wanting more joy

I know that all of us who are grieving do have moments somewhat like this, at times, even since Ethan's mom (our sister) passed away over five years ago, but it's still hard to create moments of pure silliness and joy these days.  I wonder what the secret is to getting it back.  Our hearts were more pure, joyful, and less broken back then.  Can they be healed?

I keep feeling like it's my fault that I can't find ways to be happier.  We've had multiple important losses in recent years, and they've affected us.  We do all feel grateful about the loved ones we still have, keep trying to be busy, find things that bring us joy, and do work that is important to us.  But still, it's not the same, you know?

My First Selfie

Okay, I took this a year or more ago, but I just came across it again and it cracked me up.  That was me trying to take a photo of me and my nephew Ethan.

Since I don't have a real smartphone, where you can see on a screen what you are taking a photo of, this is what I ended up with.  I think I was just using our digital camera anyway, which also would only show the view on the back.

Great shot, eh?  So silly.  It keeps making me laugh.

To My Sister Kim - Five Years Have Gone By

[I know that I shouldn't post pics of other people's children (my nephew), but this is five years old, so maybe it's okay, and Kim looks so great that I just had to use it.]

Kim,

Our wonderful sister, five years have passed and I still can't even believe that you are gone.  It feels like a bad dream, the time when you were sick and leaving us and the times since, and now, without you.  It can't be true.

My heart keeps breaking, over and over.  We all miss your laugh, your smile, your positivity, the enjoyment you got out of life.  We miss your knowledge, your expertise, your help with our health problems.  

Ethan misses you.  Of course he would miss his wonderful, loving mom.  He tries so hard to escape (with video games (me, too)) and he tries to be okay, but he will never have what he once did - the security of your love, your embrace, and all of the fun you and he had together.

Mum is the most brokenhearted of us all.  She is a strong woman, but this absolutely breaks her into pieces, forever.  You were her favorite, as we all knew.  It's very hard for her to go on, but she does it to help your son and others, and to honor your memory (because she knows you would want her to be okay, as much as possible).

Many people miss you.  You had a lot of friends.  So many people loved you, and still do.

I just don't know what to say other than it still hurts so, so much that you are gone.  Some of us are forever changed, forever grieving.  We know you wouldn't want that, but we can't help it.  We try to move on and be okay, but it doesn't ever completely happen.  I don't think it ever will.

Please send us some strength, so we can be okay.

Love,

Chris

Happy Birthday Kim - Missing You Still

This is our late sister Kim, filled with joy about the snow when she came home for a visit one time.  I wish I could feel like that.

I keep feeling shocked that she is gone.  People would be surprised that you can still feel shock about losing someone, even though next month it will be 5 years that she has been gone.  Mum isn't surprised that I feel this way, because she said she feels the same way.

I sometimes let my guard down, like when getting up in the middle of the night or just turning off all sound or devices during the afternoon, and I find myself in complete shock when I realize that she is gone.  I guess it will never stop shocking me, because she was so full of life and loving life.

I wanted to write more today, but I don't have time.  I just wanted to say - Happy Birthday, Kim - we love you!

Can We Find Joy Again?

I have no pictures of anyone up in our apartment.  I know that is strange, but it's only because I care too much.  If I see photos of loved ones we've lost (people or cats), I feel even sadder than I normally do.  If I see photos of loved ones who are still with us, I just worry about them and/or miss them.  I feel too much all the time, so I'm always trying to avoid feeling even more.  I avoid most dramas (TV or movies), too, for the same reason.  I'd rather watch something incredibly stupid than watch something that makes me feel more.

Sorry, I went off on a tangent.  Seeing my late sister Kim in the photos above just made me think about that whole topic.  

What I wanted to write about was a really good and joyful day that I had about a month ago.  I wish I could buy that joy in a bottle, and also I wish that it was not a harmful substance to ingest.  I'd pay whatever I could afford if I could feel that way again.

If a pill was not available, then I wish I could re-create whatever occurred in my body and mind that day in order for me to feel such joy.  I was out with my husband (which is always great) and we were picking up a few presents to give to Mum for a belated Mother's Day get-together.  I don't know what exactly it was about that day, but I truly haven't felt joy like that in quite a long time.  I felt silly, happy, and fun.  It was a really good few hours, while it lasted.

Joy has been fairly elusive for some of us since Kim passed away.  It's almost five years ago now.  It still hurts just as much.  We've also lost other important people and gone through other serious things.  All of these have put a damper on our ability to feel joy.  We talk about joy, long for it, and try to create it, but for the most part, it eludes us.

Maybe we are doing something wrong.  I don't know.  Maybe we just care too much about those we've lost.  We do try to enjoy life and do things we like to do, but life does feel flatter and more empty with them gone.

Don't get me wrong.  We have people we care about, and my husband and I are so grateful to have each other.  We love each other more and more as the years go by, and we do realize that we are lucky to have that.  Still, it doesn't erase our pain.

I guess I just wish that there was more of an answer to this whole grief thing, but like my husband said a few years ago, "I don't think there is an answer."  I think he is right.  It is just something you live with.  You try to work on doing things you feel passionate about, and enjoy the people who are here, but truly you are forever changed by the losses.

Maybe not everyone is like this.  We know some people who seem to have gone back to "normal" after losing Kim, but not me, my mum, my husband, and Kim's son.

I hope that talking about these things helps anyone who would read them someday.  Maybe if you feel the same types of things you can realize you are not alone.  When you have everyone telling you to "get on with your life," and you try, but the pain still lingers on, you will know there are others out here feeling the same way.

Survivor's Guilt

[My blog posts aren't perfect.  I know that.  But if I try to be perfect, I will never do anything at all.]

It's a strange thing, to feel guilty for being happy or enjoying things.  It happened again to me today.  I was playing a YouTube video of a full B-52's album (easier than popping in my CD, plus it shows lyrics, etc.).

I put this video on...

[click image to go to video]

...in order to get some energy to do some work around the house.  I was enjoying it until I thought about how my late sister Kim also liked the B-52's.  Then I felt guilty for being alive, for dancing around, for enjoying the music at all, when she so obviously couldn't do the same.

Kim wasn't the kind of person who would ever want anyone to feel bad about anything, or to not enjoy their life, yet I still feel this guilt about being happy.  I feel this guilt regarding everyone we've lost, but of course especially when it comes to Kim, because she was my youngest sister and I'll always believe that she should still be here.  I mean, I wish that the older people we've lost could be here, too, but Kim should be with her son.  

I have to keep telling myself that Kim wouldn't want me to feel this way.  Maybe one of these days that truth will get through to me, but for now it's still this way.