Sometimes Grief is Never-Ending

This is an appropriate picture of our late sister Kim, because that is how I think of her - happy, bubbly, enjoying life.  I wish I could be like that.  I hope to be able to be that way someday again.  I used to be more like that, at times, before we had to deal with so much of this grieving.

It's also fitting that there is an angel in this photo (on Juli and Kevin's Christmas tree), because I think of Kim as being an angel now.  Many people who loved her thought of her as an angel even when she was here and alive.  She had so many friends and was so outgoing and fun and friendly.

I've probably said this before, but don't ever let anyone tell you that you are grieving wrong.  Everyone is different.  Some people may distract themselves or seem to move on quickly, or possibly even wish that you were doing the same.  Other people might want to think or talk about the person, or talk about feelings.  Whatever way you grieve is whatever is best for you at the time.

I worry so much about Kim's son Ethan.  Some of us adults are not coping well with this loss, more than two years after her passing, so how can a child understand and cope with it?  We talk about his mom when he wants to, and bring her up when memories occur, and we look at the beautiful book that my sister Juli made with photos and memories of Kim.  Most of the time, Ethan is trying to distract himself with video games and things, probably trying to not feel most of his pain.  I do the same things, too.

In my younger days, I experienced some losses that didn't feel very difficult, like the loss of grandparents I wasn't very close to, or other people I didn't have a strong connection to.  In recent years, though, there have been important and serious losses, like my sister very quickly passing away from cancer.  Other big losses have been my in-laws, and my husband's aunt, all of whom felt like real parents to me.  Plus, we all lived in the same house.  I feel that the grief over these recent, big losses will never really go away.  It seems to stay and stay, and continue to cause a lot of pain for my husband and for me (as Kim's loss also does for Mom and Ethan and Juli and others).

Grief isn't limited to just people, either.  My husband and I still feel grief over some of the most special cats we've had, too.  As anyone who has truly loved a pet knows, they are like little, furry people.  We love them and care for them and miss them a lot when they are gone.

I guess this is what getting older is like - dealing with loss after loss, if you are lucky enough to be someone who remains alive yourself.  It's a very hard thing.  Like I said in my previous post, I keep calling this compound grief.  It's as if each loss opens the previous wounds again, or as if the crack in your broken heart gets bigger each time.  Then you try to heal a bit, and experience another loss and it rips back open.  Each loss seems to remind us more and more of all of the others who are gone, and we aren't coping too well with it, at times.

We keep trying.  We keep setting goals, making plans, trying to live our lives, but as any grieving person knows, there are constant reminders that make you think of the people over and over.  Sometimes we have funny or happy thoughts or memories, but other times it's just painful.

It's not like I'm enjoying this continued blogging about grief, but I have these thoughts and they need to get out.  Writing these things makes me cry and it feels very hard, but maybe someone can relate to something that I say, and it might make them feel less alone, less odd.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself if you are experiencing grief.  Take care of yourself and give yourself credit for just getting through each day and doing the best you can.  It's such a difficult thing, especially for extremely sensitive and caring people.  Loving and caring about people brings us much happiness, but also pain.

I wish you peace and comfort and joy in the future.

Compound Grief

 

I know that I keep using too many of the same photos.  I just don't have the time or energy to search around for other ones right now.

 

These two people are the ones we lost most recently - my sister Kim and my husband's Aunt Dee Dee.  I never know whether I'm supposed to say my Aunt Dee Dee or just call her his aunt.  I tried Googling it once, and came up with the wrong results to answer my question.

 

One thing I've noticed in all of these recent years, with several more of the important people we love being gone is that each loss seems to make the previous ones hurt even more.  I've been calling it compound grief when talking with my husband about it.  I don't even know if that's a term that anyone uses, but it's just what I've been saying.

 

I guess how I'm feeling is that with each loss, there is one less person who loves and cares about us, and who cares about the same people that we miss.  It seems to keep dwindling down to a few of us who are really sad about all of those who are gone.

 

I don't even feel like I'm explaining this correctly.  Perhaps a lot of my pain and my husband's is because four of the losses we've experienced have been very important people, and three of those were people who lived in this house.  We all had our separate areas to live in, but could all visit and talk and care about each other, which was wonderful.

 

I know it's strange to many people, in this day and age, to stay at home with the older folks and live together.  The fact is, we never could afford to leave, but also we didn't want to.  We loved these people.  Dean's mom never wanted us to leave - ever - she told us that.  She wanted us all to stay together, and we all felt the same way.  Sure, we all could've used more room, but being together meant more to us.  So, even if we would've had the money to move ourselves, my husband and I always said that we wouldn't move unless we had enough money to move all of us to a larger place (or attached condos or something).

 

Getting back to the compound grief concept - each loss we experienced was terrible, but there were still people who we did things with and took care of, in this house.  When Dean's dad, Ray, passed away, we focused on doing things with and for his wife Milly (lots of gifts and cards, cooking and baking for her, going out to dinner, etc.).  We had something to do - care for her, and knew she was here caring about us and our pain, too.

 

When Milly passed away, we focused more attention on her sister Dee Dee and doing things for her.  When my sister Kim passed away, Dee Dee was here to comfort and console us.  We were still together, some of us.

 

Of course, the most important person in my life (my husband) is still here, and I am supremely grateful for that.  I still have my mom and my sister Juli and other loved ones, which I am also very grateful for. 

 

When my husband had his heart attack and heart surgery and I had some time at home (when I wasn't at the hospital), no one was here for me at home, other than the cats.  Mom and Juli and people on Dean's side of the family were supportive, but no one was here in this house with me, talking with me and comforting me, so it was hard.

 

I guess, in a way, that I will be glad to leave this house someday, when we can afford to go someplace else.  Too many memories are here.  People's things are all over, because we don't have the emotional or physical strength to clean them out.  We are in Dee Dee's old place, and almost all of her things are still here.  It all feels so strange, all of them being gone.  We just feel constant, daily emotional pain - not that I think it will lessen much when we move anyway.

 

I know this might be sounding too personal, too much like a journal entry and not a blog, but I'm still hoping that it will help others who are grieving, and make some difference to anyone who can relate to any of these posts.  I know I could just be writing all of this in a simple journal and keep it all to myself, but if it helps even one person, then it's worth putting it out here.  I know that sounds like such a cliché, but that's how I feel.

 

If you yourself are experiencing any type of grief, I wish you comfort and peace. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grief and Those "Helpful" Comments

 

 

That's my sister Kim.  She passed away more than two years ago, but it still hurts so much every single day.  I think about her all of the time.  I said to my husband once that I feel like if Kim lost me or our sister Juli or even Mom, she would be handling it better and be living a better, happier life than we are doing right now.  I feel like somehow she would manage to enjoy life and live each day to the fullest.  My husband said that's not necessarily true - we don't know how Kim would be handling this, really. 

 

I feel that I'm not doing as well as I should be.  It doesn't seem to get much easier.  I mean, we do go on and we do live our lives, but some of us will never be the same because of this loss.  Of course, Kim's son has it the worst.  How can a small child understand, when we adults can't?  Mom is also grieving hard, and hers is even worse than mine, I know.  I'm not really doing okay either.

 

Sometimes people will trot out their platitudes and say things like "time heals all things" or "God never gives you more than you can handle" or "it will get easier in time," and things like that.  These types of expressions never seem to help, and sometimes they even make a grieving person angry.  Here is a good link for things to not say to a grieving person.

 

http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html

 

Okay, I know it might sound judgmental or harsh to tell a person what not to say.  They might say that they are only trying to help, but are they really?  Sometimes people truly want to say something to comfort a person, but in my opinion, at other times they just want you to "get past it" so that they don't have to think about the uncomfortable topic of death, or so that they don't have to feel your pain.

 

I'm not saying that's the case with all people, of course.  Some people truly care and are truly trying to help you feel better.  I guess you'd know which type of person they are by the person you think they generally are.  Are they usually kind, caring, and sympathetic, or are they generally selfish and just wanting to talk about themselves?  Of course, they can also be caring people, but they just are uncomfortable talking or thinking about death (since it's a fearful thing for most of us). 

 

I'm lucky, in a way, because I don't spend time with too many people.  My mom is the one who gets these types of things said to her, and sometimes she gets angry about it. 

 

I'm just saying, try to be understanding of those who truly do mean well when they say these things, and possibly distance yourself a bit from those who are less sensitive individuals, if this is a time when you really need love and support.

 

For anyone who is grieving at this time, whether it be from a recent loss or one from many years ago, I just want to wish you peace and love.  I have had several recent serious losses so I do, in some way, understand how you feel even though no one can really feel the exact same things.

 

We all just try to go on and do our best.  Reach out to those who truly care, and try to find love and happiness wherever it is available, as you continue on without those you loved (and still do).

 

Peace,

Christine

 



Grief and the Holidays

Okay, I know it's way past the holidays, but I'm still thinking of them anyway.  It's just especially hard to deal with the holidays when you are grieving.  Actually, our grieving will never end.  It just continues on, since our losses were very deep ones.

It's tough dealing with the holidays, when so many things remind us of those we've lost.  We continue some of the traditions on our own, but it's not the same.  We feel that we need to make some new traditions for ourselves, but we can't really think of any, and we still don't care that much about the holidays anymore anyway.

Basically, we just tried to get through the holidays as best we could, and focus on the children.  Maybe it would help more if we had our own children (more to keep us busy and distracted), but we did focus on nephews and nieces, and try to enjoy the time with them and for them.

I feel like the holidays and grief will continue to be difficult for us for the rest of our lives.  I guess that's just the way life is.  Maybe some people, less sensitive people, can just move on, party on, and have a better time, but we just aren't that way.  We really do try to enjoy our lives, but it's been hard.

The moments that we do manage to lose ourselves and enjoy ourselves seem to happen when playing or laughing with the kids.  So, I guess that's my only advice about any holiday and your grief - think of the kids and try to enjoy things as best you can.

Grief Doesn't Seem to Get Much Easier, Does It?

The reason that I keep blogging about my grief is that I think it helps me (a little bit) and I maybe it could help someone else who is going through the same thing.  I hope it does help other people, even if just in some small way.

My sister Kim died two years ago today.  Many of us are still dealing with severe emotional pain.  It doesn't seem to get that much easier.  I'm never going to completely accept it, understand it, or believe it.  It just will never make sense to me.

It's not fair to Kim's son to have lost his loving mother, and it's not fair to our mother to have lost such a young daughter.  But I know that life isn't fair, and many people experience this same type of loss.

I'm always wishing that all of the good people who are gone could come back, and all of the evil people in this world could leave and take their place in the afterlife.  I know, all of the wishing I do won't bring Kim back.  Many of us - her son, her mother, her sisters, and her friends and others are all missing her terribly.

I wish I could say that I'm getting past this grief.  I think that I never really will.  I have to learn to live with it, and I'm still working on that.  I just feel that such a serious type of loss like this is one that you never really get over. 

To others who are going through the same thing, I wish you peace.

Happy Birthday Kim - We Still Miss You Every Day

 

 

 

 

 



This would've been Kim's 44th birthday.  This is a tough day for everyone who loved her.

I know that she lived a full and rich life.  She had many friends and people who loved her.  No matter how well she lived, she still would've wanted a lot more time to be here, and we would've all wanted the same thing.

Her son really needs her here.  He misses her so much every day, as do all the rest of us. 

I know that many of you who read this someday will have experienced the same thing.  It continues to be hard to deal with my grief, even almost two years later.  People I know who are intensely grieving all seem to seek out things to distract them and to keep them occupied.  I do the same thing.

I watch too much TV, play too many video games, and things like that.  I feel that I need to shift to some more positive and useful distractions, like making art or writing books.  I'm working on those things in small doses.

My wish for anyone who is going through what we are is that you find positive and uplifting things to help you as you carry on.  We will always remember and love the people who are no longer with us, but we also need to focus on the life we still have and the people who are still here.

I wish all of you peace and joy and happiness.  I'm still searching for ways to have that myself.

Our Rude Neighbors Have Hung up Wind Chimes

Wind chimes are so annoying, at least to those of us who are very sensitive to sounds.  The neighbors put up wind chimes two days ago, and they are driving me insane. 

I know some people might think that I'm being ridiculous, because they think wind chimes aren't that bad.  Well, everyone is different.  Things that bug them might not bug me.

It's almost worse when the wind chimes are tinkling more softly, because I always think our fridge is acting up (it tends to make strange sounds) or that the cat is getting into some trouble in the kitchen.  I'm just constantly on edge when those chimes are going.

The neighbors are being very selfish and rude, since all the homes around here are only a few feet away from each other.  Also, we live in a windy area, so they are chiming almost all the time. 

My husband is annoyed by the wind chimes, too, but he won't let me sneak out in the middle of the night and cut them down (which I wouldn't really do, but when I feel crazy and desperate, I think about it) and he won't let me write to the neighbors about them.  He doesn't want to start any trouble or bad feelings in the neighborhood.

I sleep in the front of the house, where the awful wind chimes are located.  I also have to hear them all day when I am home.  The only thing I can do right now is run a fan so it can create white noise to drown out the terrible, terrible sound.

Come on people, be considerate of others when you are thinking of putting up something so noisy and irritating.  Just don't do it!

Grief just keeps kicking my ass.

Anyone who is grieving will understand what I mean.  Grief can really kick you in the ass some days.

We can stay busy and try to involve ourselves in good things and try to have happy days, but then something we hear or read or see will make us think of the loved one we've lost, and the pain is like a sock in the gut.

Of course, we think of them every day.  Sometimes we try not to, because the pain is too much, but then we feel guilty for not wanting to think about them.

People say that one day you will just remember the good times and not feel the pain so much, but I'm certainly not at that point yet.

We'll always miss you, Kim.

My sister Kim died a year ago today.  I will never entirely believe that it's true that she is gone.  I just can't comprehend it.

Guilt seems to be a part of this grieving process.  I was watching an episode of The Neighbors the other night and the older sister was explaining to the younger sister that they couldn't spend time together because they were too far apart in both ages and interests at the moment, but that in about 10 years they could hang out and have fun and do things.

That show just made me so sad, because I thought of how I didn't spend time with either of my younger sisters when we were young.  Not enough time anyway.

I also feel guilty because in recent years I know that I wasn't there enough for Kim when she had problems and needed me.  I don't mean just at the end, when she was dying, but throughout all of her troubling times.  In fairness, though, I've never been there enough for anyone in my life, because of my health problems, sleep problems, and other issues.  I just didn't have the energy or emotional strength to deal with things, or even to have fun at times.

What I have learned in this past year about dealing with grief:

Try to keep busy.  It helps to get worn out and be able to sleep and night and not think so much.

Try to focus on the loved ones who are still here, especially the ones who are hurting and grieving the most.  Do what you can for them, and try to enjoy your time with them.

Try to take care of yourself, otherwise you're not going to be good for anyone else.

Try to enjoy life.  I'm still having a really hard time with this one.  I don't feel the joy that I used to feel about a lot of things.  I know that I can't waste my life being sad, but it's still hard to feel happy most of the time.

Kim Saxe was loved by so, so many people.  I know that a lot of people are very sad to not have her here with us - family, friends, patients, everyone.  Many of us will never be the same as we were before this happened.  All we can do is try our best to be there for each other.

Happy Birthday Kim

Yesterday would've been my sister Kim's 43rd birthday.  Here is just one example of the kind of person she was.  At her memorial, her friend Joanne told me about this time when she went to the dentist.  Joanne came out after seeing the dentist and her young son was playing a game on a Nintendo DS.  Joanne asked him where he got the DS, and her son said that a lady had loaned it to him because he was bored.  That lady ended up being Kim.  She just loaned her device to a complete stranger, not knowing if she would ever get it back.

Like I said previously, many people at Kim's memorial talked about what a wonderful person she was.  It's the way that we'd all like to be remembered and thought of.  It was difficult but also helpful to hear how much she was loved and liked.