Kim, Thank You for the Love You've Been Sending

 

Kim, today you would've been 50.  I wish you could be here.  We all miss you every day.

I do appreciate the hearts that you've been sending me since you left, all these years.  You've sent more of them the last few weeks, leading up to your birthday.  I do believe that that's deliberate, because you know we think of you even more at this time, and miss you even more.

There was the fried fish crumb...

...the heart in the potato chip...

...the chicken strip crumb...

...the blob of jelly...

...and the hole in my toast.

Some people would say that I'm just looking for these things, but I've loved hearts my whole life and didn't see them until you were gone.  Maybe some of them are from other people we've loved and lost, but I do believe that the ones recently (and many others) have been from you.

What do these mean?  Some would say, "You eat too many carbs and fried foods?"  Ha ha.  Nah, I just haven't happened to see things in my vegetables and my glasses of water.  I do believe that you are trying to send me signs of your love, so that I can know that you are thinking of us all and so that I can share that message of hope with Mum, and with others online who are grieving.

I know that you wish the best for all of us.  We wish you could be here to help us all (especially Mum and Ethan) through these trying times.

We will always miss you and love you, dear sister.  Please watch over us, and we will see you again someday.

Love,

Chris

I Will Never Watch Dancing With the Stars Again

 

They recently announced the new lineup for Dancing With the Stars.  The people I would've been interested to see (because I like these people) are...

• Disney Channel actress Skai Jackson
• actress Justina Machado (One Day at a Time)
• Emmy-winning host of The Real and sideline correspondent on Holey Moley, Jeannie Mai
• Olympic figure skater and on-air commentator Johnny Weir

...but since I lost all respect for the show, the judges, and the producers the last time I watched the show, I will not be watching and never will again, no matter who they put on.

What happened was James Van Der Beek was in the bottom two, along with some female.  I can't remember her name.  The judges then were able to save one of them, and they chose her.

I knew something was fishy right there.  James was at least twice as good as she was, probably more.  They were supposed to be making their decision based on EVERYTHING the "stars" had done on the show up to that point, not just on one dance.  The judges chose incorrectly, and I knew they were being phonies and liars.  I lost all respect for all of the judges at that point.

I Googled to see what was going on.  Someone said that they thought the show had chosen that female as their "darling" for the season, and the person guessed that it was related to some upcoming project.  A short time later, it was shown to be true.  There was some kind of show with her that was being made.  I don't even know who won, and I don't care, but at that point in the show, they wanted to keep her in no matter what.  

I know I could research her name or other details, but I'm too tired at the moment.  I just wanted to say this while I was thinking about it...the show is crooked, rigged, and fake.  I never felt that before, but I did when James Van Der Beek was eliminated.  I don't trust anything about DWTS anymore, and never will.

Beware of the Toxic Friend

 

People told me from the start that she was a bad person and a user.  Then other people told me the same thing in subsequent years.  I always responded that she was a caring person and that she had a lot of good qualities.  I only realized recently that she would only string me along by being nice (some of the time) so that she could get what she wanted out of me.  She was only as nice as she needed to be to keep me around, but she was also very, very bad for me.

She had problems.  Well, we all have problems, but hers were so deep that nothing could heal them, so she wanted to create constant drama and strife, both for herself and for me.  She seemed to have something against me from the start.  I guess it was her upbringing, and all that she had been through.  She did seem to resent me for not having suffered as much as she did, and she wanted to inflict pain on me.

For decades, on and off, we were friends.  Sure, there were some good moments, and some kindness from her, but I really put up with so much crap, and so did my husband.  My suffering caused him to suffer, and that is my biggest regret.  I couldn't clearly see what she was doing to me, and why, until recently.

I would read articles about toxic friends, but my case didn't seem to fit, so I convinced myself she wasn't one.  She was much more subtle than the toxic friends talked about in these articles.  She wasn't directly critical of me and attacking me.  She used techniques like gas-lighting and subtle underhanded criticisms to get to me.  It wasn't all criticism.  In fact, most of it was just her trying to upset me, by talking about things she knew would get me riled up.  Things she knew I was worried about, or had strong feelings about.

What she seemed to want was attention.  So, if I wasn't giving her enough (and nothing was ever enough for her), she would say things that she knew would upset and/or irritate me, so that I would respond.  I kept taking the bait, being angry, and responding to her, which is what she wanted.

I would bend over backwards trying to deal with her daily traumas, many of which were created by the things she would do and say in her daily life.  She would also get sick and injured a lot, for more attention.  I would be responding (for many years by just phone or email) and giving her a lot of my attention, but since it was never enough, she would try to upset me so I'd have to "talk" to her more.

I ended the relationship several times, but would go back to her.  I don't understand why, but I guess I felt I needed a friend.  I would try to protect myself by setting boundaries, but she repeatedly would cross those boundaries.

The final straw was when I was really having a hard time dealing with her, and said so.  She said we should take a break for three months, and she wouldn't contact me.  I said that sounded like a good idea.  After three months, the first thing she did was complain about me not being there for her and said that this wasn't a relationship so we shouldn't even bother.  Oh, my God, I had been there for her so often, for all these years, and then I have trouble handling her, and her first comment after our break is a complaint.  I told her that if she had been normal, I would've continued our friendship, but since she just started to attack me, I was fine with it being over.

I know I'm not fully explaining all of the things that she did to me, but I just don't want to get too upset.  Maybe I will write more another time, but for now please just listen to my advice...if your gut is telling you that your friend might be toxic, they probably are.  It doesn't matter what the checklists or articles say.  If you have tried to make things work, but they are generally bad, it's toxic.  If you have tried to set boundaries, but your "friend" doesn't respect them, that's toxic.  If they make you feel upset and awful a lot of the time, that's toxic.  So, do yourself a favor, and get out.  I know I'm glad that I did.  I only wish I had done it much, much sooner.

Hilary Swank sues SAG-AFTRA health plan after coverage is denied for ovarian cysts: 'Barbaric'

Part of this article...

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/hilary-swank-sues-sag-aftra-health-plan-coverage-denied-ovarian-cysts-barbaric-163144143.html

...said:

"Ovarian cysts are fluid-filled sacs or pockets in an ovary or on its surface. According to the Mayo Clinic, a large ovarian cyst can cause pelvic pain a dull or sharp ache in the lower abdomen on the side of the cyst."

Are you F-ing kidding me, Mayo Clinic?  When I had my ovarian cysts, the pain was excruciating!  I was lying down, doubled over in pain, feeling like my ovary was being twisted and wrenched to the extreme!  It wasn't just "a dull or sharp ache."  It was super-intense, unfathomable pain that wouldn't be relieved by any over-the-counter pain medications.

They sure do try to minimize the severity of this female problem.  Sure, some women might have the milder pain, but to actually be informative and clear, you should put the whole range of what the experience is.

Also, people shouldn't have to sue to get coverage for health conditions.  It's so ridiculous.

Do You Know Any 83-Year-Old That Can Do This?

This is my mum.  These images and videos are from last year, when she was 82, but she can still do it all now, at 83.

She's a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do and she can kick, hit, break boards with her hands, and so much more.  If she squeezes your arm, in a friendly way, it hurts a lot (she sometimes doesn't know her own strength).

Sure, a few people might know a person my mum's age who can do these things, but I'm sure that there aren't many.

Two short, but great videos of her doing...

...a dive roll

...a dive roll with a bo (meaning, a staff)

Of course, she can do so much more.  These are just the only videos that I can access at this moment.

She is such an inspiration.  I'd love to be like her someday - healthy, fit, talented, and cool.  She's just amazing and I'm so proud of her!

Time Spent with Loved Ones Is Never Long Enough

Dear Kim,

It's six years since you left this planet.  Today, November 14th.  It sounds selfish, but I'm grateful that it wasn't a week earlier, on my birthday.  It's still hard enough that it's so close.  I know many people lose loved ones on birthdays and holidays, or near them, which must make those days even more difficult than they already are.

Look at your smiling, happy face.  We all miss it so much.  We know you would want us to smile, laugh, live, and love, yet we are still struggling.  You touched so many lives - for the better, of course.  You had so many friends, who I am sure still love you and miss you terribly, like we in your family do, too.

I regret all the time we didn't spend together, because you were living far away, or because Dean and I were too tired to spend some Sundays when you lived here, etc.  I'm sorry for not letting you come out to dinner on Christmas Eve a couple of times with Dean's family because I was too worried about offending some who would be left out.  That was wrong of me.  No matter how much time we did have together, when someone is gone, you just wish for more.

I remember a lot of good times...

When you were around five years old, you and Juli dressed as Princess Leia and Han Solo, respectively.  I don't know if it was Halloween, or just for fun, but I wish I could find that photo right now.  Also around that time, you and I jumping in puddles during a rainstorm.  The three of us building forts in the living room, and going skiing (you and I taking turns going through each other's legs on a gentle hill at Alpine Valley).  The three of us girls and Mom all dressed in the same sundress (it was longer on you because you were small (they were stretchy on top and were one-size-fits-all)).  Me flying you like an airplane on my feet, and also flying you by one arm and one leg outside, too (you were always so fearless).

When you were around twelve years old, four of us in the family going to Austria.  You and I spending some time on our own, getting lost in Innsbruck, laughing with the waiter who laughed at you picking up half of a pizza to bite it, trying to get him to figure out which menu to give us (we only knew English well enough), singing songs (about pizza, arriving at the hotel, etc.) all around the town and laughing at Mum's funny jumping jacks/scissors walking/jumping move.  Then later, in our room, you singing your song from the musical you starred in.  I saw many of Juli's plays and musicals in later years, but I couldn't make it to that one of yours because I had no car.  You played Sleeping Beauty, but it was before cell phones and the preponderance of camcorders, so we have no record of it.

When you were around thirteen years old, all of us going to Jamaica, and you begging me to go to the beach, me being too lazy for sunscreen that day and getting burned, bright red, painful legs, and Mum putting aloe on them.

And then when you were an adult and moved back here again...

Laughing at your place on Sundays when your wonderful, silly Ethan was being so funny.  I worked hard cooking things for your special diet, so we could all eat together.  I cherish those Sundays.  There were too few of them.

Our time was all too brief, once you were back home.

I wish I could feel that carefree joy again.

Love,

Chris

The Case of the Disappearing Vest

Since it was Halloween a few days ago, I thought I'd talk about something a little bit creepy.  

My mum recently had her favorite leather vest disappear, and then reappear weeks later.  She had looked all over the house for it, including the place where she eventually found it, but it was nowhere to be seen for all that time.  Then suddenly, there it was.

Your first instinct would be to think of rational explanations - someone else borrowed it then put it back, someone moved it to play a prank on you, or you are just forgetful - but none of these were the case.

I recalled hearing of things like this in the past, so I Googled it.  People on message boards or commenting under articles called it DOP - disappearing object phenomenon.  There are various theories that the people had about what causes this.  Some said mischievous ghosts, trolls, or fairies, some said things about parallel universes intersecting, time tunnels, and sci-fi things like that.  It makes for interesting reading, especially near Halloween, but there are no clear answers.

I do know that an old friend and roommate of mine, Mary (nickname Phred - I probably shouldn't put her last name) told me that she had the ability to make things disappear.  She said she could make things not visible to people, like pens or their keys, when they were really right there.  She had other abilities, too, like seeing the future (especially bad things that would happen, which she didn't like) and astral projecting (she appeared once in her brother's room (far away) and he got very upset by it).  

I know you might think it sounds unbelievable, but if you knew Mary/Phred, she was the sweetest, most lovely person, and she wouldn't make anything up.  She was just an honest, caring, truthful person, all around.  Nothing about her would make me think she was ever lying.

Another strange thing that happened once was with a rosary of mine.  I'm not Catholic, but I've always thought rosaries were very beautiful.  Years ago I received one that used to belong to my husband's grandmother, who I never met.  My husband and I always talked about wanting to get her name engraved on the back of the cross.  One time I looked at it and the name was there.  Neither one of us remembered having it done.  Now, if I would forget doing it, that might make sense, because I forget a lot of things, but my husband has a great memory and he didn't remember taking it in.  It's not a thing that I would ever have done by myself either.  

I know most people have strange stories like this.  If I thought about it, I do have more that I could tell, too, but for now this is enough to think about, because I don't want to freak myself out too much!

☺️

Happy Birthday Kim, Though We Aren't Happy, of Course

Dear Kim,

Today would've been your 48th birthday.  Almost six years have gone by since you died, and many people still miss you every day.  It's still very, very hard for a lot of us.

Some people like to say that everything happens for a reason.  Well, they will never convince me, even if they had a million years, that there is any good reason for you to be gone.  It's not right, it's not okay, and I still can't accept it.

I know that you would want all of us to be happy and to be not just surviving, but thriving.  We want to be able to do this, but many of us are still having a lot of trouble doing so.  Some of us have experienced multiple important losses, and some of us were just very close to you.  It's hard for everyone in different ways.

The good news is that your son Ethan seems to be doing better.  We try our best to help him and make things as good as possible for him.  I believe that you can see for yourself that he is coping the best that he can.

I know this isn't eloquent.  I've had a hard time lately.  I just didn't want to forget your birthday.  

We all miss you and love you.  Crying here without you.

Chris

A few years ago I tried to click this YouTube video link, but the video wouldn't play (on our computer, anyway).  It's just a few seconds long, but now it works.  I just watched it for the first time yesterday.  Click on the title below if you want to see it.

Kim Saxe speaks at the WNPA hosted Midwest Regional Lyme Conference in Madison, WI

My Two Books (so far)

My site isn't up and running yet, so for now it's just going to link to this blog post about two books I've done.  You can get to Amazon by clicking on the colorful links or the cover graphics.

Thoughts and quotes by me about moms (good moms).

In Praise of Mom: Thoughts of Love and Gratitude

Cat humor and cuteness, courtesy of Zorro.

Live in the Meow

If you buy either of them, I hope you like them!

Christine

I Love Bobby Banas, The Nitty Gritty, and Chanzie & Stephen, too!

I'm always looking for ways to feel happier and to cheer up.  A couple of months ago I came across this video, and I've watched it so many times, and I just love it!

Shirley Ellis : The Nitty Gritty 1963 HD

The main guy in the front is the one that I can't stop watching.  His movements are so wild and fun.  His partner is good, too, and sometimes I watch her, but he (Bobby Banas or Robert Banas) just mesmerizes me.

link:  Bobby Banas on Wikipedia

On Wikipedia it said:

Banas said he began to dance at age five. “I would immediately run and stand in a doorway pretending it was a frame for a small stage. I then would jive, moving my body to and fro, trying to keep up with the beat of the music, knowing that when the music would crescendo I’d leap in the air defying gravity, only to land in a heap. I’d pick myself up and start it all over again. I just couldn’t sit still when I’d hear those big bands: Tommy Dorsey, Ray Anthony, Count Basie, Les Brown and Stan Kenton.”^[1]

Then, some time after I kept watching this older video (from the Judy Garland show), I came across this newer one, and it's a really good one, too.

RTSF 2016 - The Nitty Gritty - Chanzie & Stephen

In that video, she's the one that I can't stop watching, though both are great dancers.  

Just check out either of the two YouTube links if you need to be in a better mood.  That is, if you like the song, which I do.  Enjoy!