Still Missing You, Kim

 

[I wish there were photos to accompany all of the things I'm going to talk about, but we've never taken enough photos (we didn't even take one on my recent birthday).  In the old days developing film cost too much, so we rarely took any.  Now, with digital photos, we just forget.  So dopey!]

Kim,

Today it is 8 years that you've been gone.  We had a lot of good times...

When you were little, there was skiing, blanket forts, snowball fights, ice skating, flying you like an airplane outside (me holding one arm and one leg of yours) or inside (you up on my feet), learning to play just one song on the piano (The Keane Brothers), jumping in puddles during or after the rain, you and Juli dressed up as Leia and Han from Star Wars, riding down the stairs on our hot pink stuffed gorilla named Cinnamon, roller skating in the basement, etc.

When you were a pre-teen there was us trying to play tennis (me hitting the ball repeatedly out of the court (over the high, high fence)), trying to cross country ski near the apartment (you stuck in the snow), me waking you up with the Sgt. Pepper Good Morning song and fixing you breakfast before you went to school.

In your early teens we didn't do too much because you were busy quite often with your friends, but when we went to Austria with Mum and Mark it was some of my happiest memories.  We got to roam around by ourselves in Innsbruck, sometimes speaking "British" (because no one would know how bad our fake accents were) or sometimes making up songs like "Pee-zah (pizza), pee-zah pee-zah-ree!" or getting lost and trying to find the hotel again.  

We had fun with the waiter who laughed at you picking up half of a pizza (because for some reason they didn't cut it into slices) and the same waiter trying to show us menus in different languages (took him a few tries to select the one in English, even though we were talking the whole time).  Also, there was us trying out a bit of German (from my phrase book) here and there and me getting laughed at when trying to buy a pack of gum, you asking anyone in the family to let you dip your roll in their egg yolks (because you didn't want to spend your money on breakfast), and also you singing me your main song from the musical you starred in (Cinderella or ? - "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream.  I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a dream.") in our hotel room.  It was such a great time!

For many years, you were away at college, and sometimes all the way across the country.  When you were back here (and a doctor) I should've used every opportunity I had to see you.  I still can't help feeling bad about the times we didn't visit with you and Ethan because of being tired, or because of family drama (not between us), or when I kept you away from a couple of Christmas Eve dinners with my in-laws to avoid hurting someone else's feelings.  It was wrong, and I will always regret it.  Any times I  missed with you were more time that we could've shared.

We had such fun times with you and Ethan, though, when we did manage to get together.  Playing video games and board games, eating dinner, and just laughing.  Those were some really good times.  We miss them so much, and we miss you.

Oh, how we all wish you were here.  I'm sorry that I can't express it better, but we just love you so much, and it's really terrible that you aren't here.

Love,

Chris

Kim, Thank You for the Love You've Been Sending

 

Kim, today you would've been 50.  I wish you could be here.  We all miss you every day.

I do appreciate the hearts that you've been sending me since you left, all these years.  You've sent more of them the last few weeks, leading up to your birthday.  I do believe that that's deliberate, because you know we think of you even more at this time, and miss you even more.

There was the fried fish crumb...

...the heart in the potato chip...

...the chicken strip crumb...

...the blob of jelly...

...and the hole in my toast.

Some people would say that I'm just looking for these things, but I've loved hearts my whole life and didn't see them until you were gone.  Maybe some of them are from other people we've loved and lost, but I do believe that the ones recently (and many others) have been from you.

What do these mean?  Some would say, "You eat too many carbs and fried foods?"  Ha ha.  Nah, I just haven't happened to see things in my vegetables and my glasses of water.  I do believe that you are trying to send me signs of your love, so that I can know that you are thinking of us all and so that I can share that message of hope with Mum, and with others online who are grieving.

I know that you wish the best for all of us.  We wish you could be here to help us all (especially Mum and Ethan) through these trying times.

We will always miss you and love you, dear sister.  Please watch over us, and we will see you again someday.

Love,

Chris

I Will Never Watch Dancing With the Stars Again

 

They recently announced the new lineup for Dancing With the Stars.  The people I would've been interested to see (because I like these people) are...

• Disney Channel actress Skai Jackson
• actress Justina Machado (One Day at a Time)
• Emmy-winning host of The Real and sideline correspondent on Holey Moley, Jeannie Mai
• Olympic figure skater and on-air commentator Johnny Weir

...but since I lost all respect for the show, the judges, and the producers the last time I watched the show, I will not be watching and never will again, no matter who they put on.

What happened was James Van Der Beek was in the bottom two, along with some female.  I can't remember her name.  The judges then were able to save one of them, and they chose her.

I knew something was fishy right there.  James was at least twice as good as she was, probably more.  They were supposed to be making their decision based on EVERYTHING the "stars" had done on the show up to that point, not just on one dance.  The judges chose incorrectly, and I knew they were being phonies and liars.  I lost all respect for all of the judges at that point.

I Googled to see what was going on.  Someone said that they thought the show had chosen that female as their "darling" for the season, and the person guessed that it was related to some upcoming project.  A short time later, it was shown to be true.  There was some kind of show with her that was being made.  I don't even know who won, and I don't care, but at that point in the show, they wanted to keep her in no matter what.  

I know I could research her name or other details, but I'm too tired at the moment.  I just wanted to say this while I was thinking about it...the show is crooked, rigged, and fake.  I never felt that before, but I did when James Van Der Beek was eliminated.  I don't trust anything about DWTS anymore, and never will.

Beware of the Toxic Friend

 

People told me from the start that she was a bad person and a user.  Then other people told me the same thing in subsequent years.  I always responded that she was a caring person and that she had a lot of good qualities.  I only realized recently that she would only string me along by being nice (some of the time) so that she could get what she wanted out of me.  She was only as nice as she needed to be to keep me around, but she was also very, very bad for me.

She had problems.  Well, we all have problems, but hers were so deep that nothing could heal them, so she wanted to create constant drama and strife, both for herself and for me.  She seemed to have something against me from the start.  I guess it was her upbringing, and all that she had been through.  She did seem to resent me for not having suffered as much as she did, and she wanted to inflict pain on me.

For decades, on and off, we were friends.  Sure, there were some good moments, and some kindness from her, but I really put up with so much crap, and so did my husband.  My suffering caused him to suffer, and that is my biggest regret.  I couldn't clearly see what she was doing to me, and why, until recently.

I would read articles about toxic friends, but my case didn't seem to fit, so I convinced myself she wasn't one.  She was much more subtle than the toxic friends talked about in these articles.  She wasn't directly critical of me and attacking me.  She used techniques like gas-lighting and subtle underhanded criticisms to get to me.  It wasn't all criticism.  In fact, most of it was just her trying to upset me, by talking about things she knew would get me riled up.  Things she knew I was worried about, or had strong feelings about.

What she seemed to want was attention.  So, if I wasn't giving her enough (and nothing was ever enough for her), she would say things that she knew would upset and/or irritate me, so that I would respond.  I kept taking the bait, being angry, and responding to her, which is what she wanted.

I would bend over backwards trying to deal with her daily traumas, many of which were created by the things she would do and say in her daily life.  She would also get sick and injured a lot, for more attention.  I would be responding (for many years by just phone or email) and giving her a lot of my attention, but since it was never enough, she would try to upset me so I'd have to "talk" to her more.

I ended the relationship several times, but would go back to her.  I don't understand why, but I guess I felt I needed a friend.  I would try to protect myself by setting boundaries, but she repeatedly would cross those boundaries.

The final straw was when I was really having a hard time dealing with her, and said so.  She said we should take a break for three months, and she wouldn't contact me.  I said that sounded like a good idea.  After three months, the first thing she did was complain about me not being there for her and said that this wasn't a relationship so we shouldn't even bother.  Oh, my God, I had been there for her so often, for all these years, and then I have trouble handling her, and her first comment after our break is a complaint.  I told her that if she had been normal, I would've continued our friendship, but since she just started to attack me, I was fine with it being over.

I know I'm not fully explaining all of the things that she did to me, but I just don't want to get too upset.  Maybe I will write more another time, but for now please just listen to my advice...if your gut is telling you that your friend might be toxic, they probably are.  It doesn't matter what the checklists or articles say.  If you have tried to make things work, but they are generally bad, it's toxic.  If you have tried to set boundaries, but your "friend" doesn't respect them, that's toxic.  If they make you feel upset and awful a lot of the time, that's toxic.  So, do yourself a favor, and get out.  I know I'm glad that I did.  I only wish I had done it much, much sooner.

Hilary Swank sues SAG-AFTRA health plan after coverage is denied for ovarian cysts: 'Barbaric'

Part of this article...

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/hilary-swank-sues-sag-aftra-health-plan-coverage-denied-ovarian-cysts-barbaric-163144143.html

...said:

"Ovarian cysts are fluid-filled sacs or pockets in an ovary or on its surface. According to the Mayo Clinic, a large ovarian cyst can cause pelvic pain a dull or sharp ache in the lower abdomen on the side of the cyst."

Are you F-ing kidding me, Mayo Clinic?  When I had my ovarian cysts, the pain was excruciating!  I was lying down, doubled over in pain, feeling like my ovary was being twisted and wrenched to the extreme!  It wasn't just "a dull or sharp ache."  It was super-intense, unfathomable pain that wouldn't be relieved by any over-the-counter pain medications.

They sure do try to minimize the severity of this female problem.  Sure, some women might have the milder pain, but to actually be informative and clear, you should put the whole range of what the experience is.

Also, people shouldn't have to sue to get coverage for health conditions.  It's so ridiculous.