Time Spent with Loved Ones Is Never Long Enough

Dear Kim,

It's six years since you left this planet.  Today, November 14th.  It sounds selfish, but I'm grateful that it wasn't a week earlier, on my birthday.  It's still hard enough that it's so close.  I know many people lose loved ones on birthdays and holidays, or near them, which must make those days even more difficult than they already are.

Look at your smiling, happy face.  We all miss it so much.  We know you would want us to smile, laugh, live, and love, yet we are still struggling.  You touched so many lives - for the better, of course.  You had so many friends, who I am sure still love you and miss you terribly, like we in your family do, too.

I regret all the time we didn't spend together, because you were living far away, or because Dean and I were too tired to spend some Sundays when you lived here, etc.  I'm sorry for not letting you come out to dinner on Christmas Eve a couple of times with Dean's family because I was too worried about offending some who would be left out.  That was wrong of me.  No matter how much time we did have together, when someone is gone, you just wish for more.

I remember a lot of good times...

When you were around five years old, you and Juli dressed as Princess Leia and Han Solo, respectively.  I don't know if it was Halloween, or just for fun, but I wish I could find that photo right now.  Also around that time, you and I jumping in puddles during a rainstorm.  The three of us building forts in the living room, and going skiing (you and I taking turns going through each other's legs on a gentle hill at Alpine Valley).  The three of us girls and Mom all dressed in the same sundress (it was longer on you because you were small (they were stretchy on top and were one-size-fits-all)).  Me flying you like an airplane on my feet, and also flying you by one arm and one leg outside, too (you were always so fearless).

When you were around twelve years old, four of us in the family going to Austria.  You and I spending some time on our own, getting lost in Innsbruck, laughing with the waiter who laughed at you picking up half of a pizza to bite it, trying to get him to figure out which menu to give us (we only knew English well enough), singing songs (about pizza, arriving at the hotel, etc.) all around the town and laughing at Mum's funny jumping jacks/scissors walking/jumping move.  Then later, in our room, you singing your song from the musical you starred in.  I saw many of Juli's plays and musicals in later years, but I couldn't make it to that one of yours because I had no car.  You played Sleeping Beauty, but it was before cell phones and the preponderance of camcorders, so we have no record of it.

When you were around thirteen years old, all of us going to Jamaica, and you begging me to go to the beach, me being too lazy for sunscreen that day and getting burned, bright red, painful legs, and Mum putting aloe on them.

And then when you were an adult and moved back here again...

Laughing at your place on Sundays when your wonderful, silly Ethan was being so funny.  I worked hard cooking things for your special diet, so we could all eat together.  I cherish those Sundays.  There were too few of them.

Our time was all too brief, once you were back home.

I wish I could feel that carefree joy again.

Love,

Chris

The Case of the Disappearing Vest

Since it was Halloween a few days ago, I thought I'd talk about something a little bit creepy.  

My mum recently had her favorite leather vest disappear, and then reappear weeks later.  She had looked all over the house for it, including the place where she eventually found it, but it was nowhere to be seen for all that time.  Then suddenly, there it was.

Your first instinct would be to think of rational explanations - someone else borrowed it then put it back, someone moved it to play a prank on you, or you are just forgetful - but none of these were the case.

I recalled hearing of things like this in the past, so I Googled it.  People on message boards or commenting under articles called it DOP - disappearing object phenomenon.  There are various theories that the people had about what causes this.  Some said mischievous ghosts, trolls, or fairies, some said things about parallel universes intersecting, time tunnels, and sci-fi things like that.  It makes for interesting reading, especially near Halloween, but there are no clear answers.

I do know that an old friend and roommate of mine, Mary (nickname Phred - I probably shouldn't put her last name) told me that she had the ability to make things disappear.  She said she could make things not visible to people, like pens or their keys, when they were really right there.  She had other abilities, too, like seeing the future (especially bad things that would happen, which she didn't like) and astral projecting (she appeared once in her brother's room (far away) and he got very upset by it).  

I know you might think it sounds unbelievable, but if you knew Mary/Phred, she was the sweetest, most lovely person, and she wouldn't make anything up.  She was just an honest, caring, truthful person, all around.  Nothing about her would make me think she was ever lying.

Another strange thing that happened once was with a rosary of mine.  I'm not Catholic, but I've always thought rosaries were very beautiful.  Years ago I received one that used to belong to my husband's grandmother, who I never met.  My husband and I always talked about wanting to get her name engraved on the back of the cross.  One time I looked at it and the name was there.  Neither one of us remembered having it done.  Now, if I would forget doing it, that might make sense, because I forget a lot of things, but my husband has a great memory and he didn't remember taking it in.  It's not a thing that I would ever have done by myself either.  

I know most people have strange stories like this.  If I thought about it, I do have more that I could tell, too, but for now this is enough to think about, because I don't want to freak myself out too much!

☺️

Happy Birthday Kim, Though We Aren't Happy, of Course

Dear Kim,

Today would've been your 48th birthday.  Almost six years have gone by since you died, and many people still miss you every day.  It's still very, very hard for a lot of us.

Some people like to say that everything happens for a reason.  Well, they will never convince me, even if they had a million years, that there is any good reason for you to be gone.  It's not right, it's not okay, and I still can't accept it.

I know that you would want all of us to be happy and to be not just surviving, but thriving.  We want to be able to do this, but many of us are still having a lot of trouble doing so.  Some of us have experienced multiple important losses, and some of us were just very close to you.  It's hard for everyone in different ways.

The good news is that your son Ethan seems to be doing better.  We try our best to help him and make things as good as possible for him.  I believe that you can see for yourself that he is coping the best that he can.

I know this isn't eloquent.  I've had a hard time lately.  I just didn't want to forget your birthday.  

We all miss you and love you.  Crying here without you.

Chris

A few years ago I tried to click this YouTube video link, but the video wouldn't play (on our computer, anyway).  It's just a few seconds long, but now it works.  I just watched it for the first time yesterday.  Click on the title below if you want to see it.

Kim Saxe speaks at the WNPA hosted Midwest Regional Lyme Conference in Madison, WI

My Two Books (so far)

My site isn't up and running yet, so for now it's just going to link to this blog post about two books I've done.  You can get to Amazon by clicking on the colorful links or the cover graphics.

Thoughts and quotes by me about moms (good moms).

In Praise of Mom: Thoughts of Love and Gratitude

Cat humor and cuteness, courtesy of Zorro.

Live in the Meow

If you buy either of them, I hope you like them!

Christine

I Love Bobby Banas, The Nitty Gritty, and Chanzie & Stephen, too!

I'm always looking for ways to feel happier and to cheer up.  A couple of months ago I came across this video, and I've watched it so many times, and I just love it!

Shirley Ellis : The Nitty Gritty 1963 HD

The main guy in the front is the one that I can't stop watching.  His movements are so wild and fun.  His partner is good, too, and sometimes I watch her, but he (Bobby Banas or Robert Banas) just mesmerizes me.

link:  Bobby Banas on Wikipedia

On Wikipedia it said:

Banas said he began to dance at age five. “I would immediately run and stand in a doorway pretending it was a frame for a small stage. I then would jive, moving my body to and fro, trying to keep up with the beat of the music, knowing that when the music would crescendo I’d leap in the air defying gravity, only to land in a heap. I’d pick myself up and start it all over again. I just couldn’t sit still when I’d hear those big bands: Tommy Dorsey, Ray Anthony, Count Basie, Les Brown and Stan Kenton.”^[1]

Then, some time after I kept watching this older video (from the Judy Garland show), I came across this newer one, and it's a really good one, too.

RTSF 2016 - The Nitty Gritty - Chanzie & Stephen

In that video, she's the one that I can't stop watching, though both are great dancers.  

Just check out either of the two YouTube links if you need to be in a better mood.  That is, if you like the song, which I do.  Enjoy!

Still Wanting to Find More Joy Again

funny moments

My husband found this the other day when going through some papers.  This is just a photo that I took the other day of a photo printed on our printer with a note that I wrote years ago. 

Somewhere there is a better copy of that photo, of course, but the important thing is the note that I wrote on it.  For five years I've been mis-remembering what the moment was of that photo.  I kept saying that that photo where Ethan (our nephew) and I were laughing so hard that we cried was when we were playing a Mario game where we kept knocking each other off a vine.

Now I see this note and realize that we were probably watching Ninjago and Ethan made that joke.  Back when he was five, we joked a lot about farts and burping, and it was great, silly fun.  

wanting more joy

I know that all of us who are grieving do have moments somewhat like this, at times, even since Ethan's mom (our sister) passed away over five years ago, but it's still hard to create moments of pure silliness and joy these days.  I wonder what the secret is to getting it back.  Our hearts were more pure, joyful, and less broken back then.  Can they be healed?

I keep feeling like it's my fault that I can't find ways to be happier.  We've had multiple important losses in recent years, and they've affected us.  We do all feel grateful about the loved ones we still have, keep trying to be busy, find things that bring us joy, and do work that is important to us.  But still, it's not the same, you know?

My First Selfie

Okay, I took this a year or more ago, but I just came across it again and it cracked me up.  That was me trying to take a photo of me and my nephew Ethan.

Since I don't have a real smartphone, where you can see on a screen what you are taking a photo of, this is what I ended up with.  I think I was just using our digital camera anyway, which also would only show the view on the back.

Great shot, eh?  So silly.  It keeps making me laugh.