Happy Birthday Kim, Though We Aren't Happy, of Course

Dear Kim,

Today would've been your 48th birthday.  Almost six years have gone by since you died, and many people still miss you every day.  It's still very, very hard for a lot of us.

Some people like to say that everything happens for a reason.  Well, they will never convince me, even if they had a million years, that there is any good reason for you to be gone.  It's not right, it's not okay, and I still can't accept it.

I know that you would want all of us to be happy and to be not just surviving, but thriving.  We want to be able to do this, but many of us are still having a lot of trouble doing so.  Some of us have experienced multiple important losses, and some of us were just very close to you.  It's hard for everyone in different ways.

The good news is that your son Ethan seems to be doing better.  We try our best to help him and make things as good as possible for him.  I believe that you can see for yourself that he is coping the best that he can.

I know this isn't eloquent.  I've had a hard time lately.  I just didn't want to forget your birthday.  

We all miss you and love you.  Crying here without you.

Chris

A few years ago I tried to click this YouTube video link, but the video wouldn't play (on our computer, anyway).  It's just a few seconds long, but now it works.  I just watched it for the first time yesterday.  Click on the title below if you want to see it.

Kim Saxe speaks at the WNPA hosted Midwest Regional Lyme Conference in Madison, WI

Kim, We Will Miss You Forever

 

[I'm assuming that it's okay to use Blingees on my blog.  It is my own photo (combination of photos) and I did make the Blingee myself.  I tried to skim through Blingee.com's terms of use, but I couldn't find the answer.]

 

Tomorrow will be our late sister Kim's birthday again.  Of course, this time of year always makes me think about her more, though I do think about her every day anyway.

 

I think about Kim when I hear the Gavin DeGraw song "Not Over You." 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDWhfsQHq1o

 

Okay, I know that both the song and the video are about a couple's relationship, but still some of the lyrics make me think of Kim whenever I hear them:

 

Dreams

That's where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you
And listen to the radio

 

...

 

If you ask me how I'm doin'

I would say I'm doin' just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out
And I sit down
At a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say
I'm, not over you

 

...

 

I know some people say that everything happens for a reason.  Good for you if you can believe that, but I never have.  No one can tell me that there's any reason for Kim to be gone, to have left a young son behind.  There is no possible good reason for her to be gone and for many bad people to still be roaming this earth causing harm to others.  There just isn't.

 

If it sounds like I haven't reached the supposed grief stage of acceptance, that's because I haven't and never will.  Like my husband has said, he doesn't accept any of the losses we've experienced, not of family members, cats, or anyone we've cared about.  That's just how we are.  It might not be the healthiest way to be, but we are okay with that.

 

I will miss my sister Kim forever and wish forever to have her back here with all of us.  She was a shining light, a wonderful soul, and the world was a better place when she was in it.