Still Wanting to Find More Joy Again

funny moments

My husband found this the other day when going through some papers.  This is just a photo that I took the other day of a photo printed on our printer with a note that I wrote years ago. 

Somewhere there is a better copy of that photo, of course, but the important thing is the note that I wrote on it.  For five years I've been mis-remembering what the moment was of that photo.  I kept saying that that photo where Ethan (our nephew) and I were laughing so hard that we cried was when we were playing a Mario game where we kept knocking each other off a vine.

Now I see this note and realize that we were probably watching Ninjago and Ethan made that joke.  Back when he was five, we joked a lot about farts and burping, and it was great, silly fun.  

wanting more joy

I know that all of us who are grieving do have moments somewhat like this, at times, even since Ethan's mom (our sister) passed away over five years ago, but it's still hard to create moments of pure silliness and joy these days.  I wonder what the secret is to getting it back.  Our hearts were more pure, joyful, and less broken back then.  Can they be healed?

I keep feeling like it's my fault that I can't find ways to be happier.  We've had multiple important losses in recent years, and they've affected us.  We do all feel grateful about the loved ones we still have, keep trying to be busy, find things that bring us joy, and do work that is important to us.  But still, it's not the same, you know?

It's Kim's Birthday Soon

 

Our late sister Kim's birthday is coming up on Saturday (poor Juli has to DJ that day and try to be "up" and cheerful at work), so I've been thinking about Kim even more than I usually do these last few days.

 

I know this is a goofy-looking pic of her and I don't know what she was looking at, but it was from Christmas 11 years ago, so she looks healthy and happy, which is a great thing. 

 

My husband and I were watching an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond a couple of days ago and Ray Romano was playing the piano (it was really him) and he was very good. 

 

This brought to mind the time, many years ago, when Kim and I were at a piano playing and singing this song:

 

KEANE- Brothers Sherry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HEhV_WBLKE

 

Even many of you who are old enough might not remember the Keane Brothers, but some of you might.  They were really talented singers and had a short-lived variety show that we watched back then.



 

The house we moved into after our parents divorced happened to have a piano.  No one ever played it much, that I can recall, but when I got this Keane Brothers album, we loved it so much that I bought the sheet music for that Sherry song and learned to play it, sort of (not great).

 

Of course, our sister Juli is the real singer in the family.  She's sung in plays and shows and even sang the Korean national anthem at a Tae Kwon Do tournament and everyone was so proud of her for learning it and singing it so beautifully.  If it was on YouTube, I'd post that link here, too.

 

Kim must've been a pretty good singer, too, since she did play Cinderella or something in a play during high school.  I didn't get to see it because I lived way across town and didn't have a car at that time.

 

I'm the worst singer in our family, but it hasn't stopped me from singing at various times, like singing along to video game songs when our nephew is playing different games on his new Mario Maker game (and he's shocked that I know all of the different "old school" tunes).  It did, however, stop me from singing when we were forced to be in the choir in junior high.  My friend Tammy told me around that same time that my singing really sucked (she was right), so in order to not throw anyone else in the choir off, I would lip sync all the songs (better for everyone all around, including the audience).

 

Anyway, this is just a fond memory of our little sis Kim, back in the day.  Me trying to play the piano and us belting out that song - Sherry.

 

I will miss her forever, of course.  Everyone who knew her always will.