People told me from the start that she was a bad person and a user. Then other people told me the same thing in subsequent years. I always responded that she was a caring person and that she had a lot of good qualities. I only realized recently that she would only string me along by being nice (some of the time) so that she could get what she wanted out of me. She was only as nice as she needed to be to keep me around, but she was also very, very bad for me.
She had problems. Well, we all have problems, but hers were so deep that nothing could heal them, so she wanted to create constant drama and strife, both for herself and for me. She seemed to have something against me from the start. I guess it was her upbringing, and all that she had been through. She did seem to resent me for not having suffered as much as she did, and she wanted to inflict pain on me.
For decades, on and off, we were friends. Sure, there were some good moments, and some kindness from her, but I really put up with so much crap, and so did my husband. My suffering caused him to suffer, and that is my biggest regret. I couldn't clearly see what she was doing to me, and why, until recently.
I would read articles about toxic friends, but my case didn't seem to fit, so I convinced myself she wasn't one. She was much more subtle than the toxic friends talked about in these articles. She wasn't directly critical of me and attacking me. She used techniques like gas-lighting and subtle underhanded criticisms to get to me. It wasn't all criticism. In fact, most of it was just her trying to upset me, by talking about things she knew would get me riled up. Things she knew I was worried about, or had strong feelings about.
What she seemed to want was attention. So, if I wasn't giving her enough (and nothing was ever enough for her), she would say things that she knew would upset and/or irritate me, so that I would respond. I kept taking the bait, being angry, and responding to her, which is what she wanted.
I would bend over backwards trying to deal with her daily traumas, many of which were created by the things she would do and say in her daily life. She would also get sick and injured a lot, for more attention. I would be responding (for many years by just phone or email) and giving her a lot of my attention, but since it was never enough, she would try to upset me so I'd have to "talk" to her more.
I ended the relationship several times, but would go back to her. I don't understand why, but I guess I felt I needed a friend. I would try to protect myself by setting boundaries, but she repeatedly would cross those boundaries.
The final straw was when I was really having a hard time dealing with her, and said so. She said we should take a break for three months, and she wouldn't contact me. I said that sounded like a good idea. After three months, the first thing she did was complain about me not being there for her and said that this wasn't a relationship so we shouldn't even bother. Oh, my God, I had been there for her so often, for all these years, and then I have trouble handling her, and her first comment after our break is a complaint. I told her that if she had been normal, I would've continued our friendship, but since she just started to attack me, I was fine with it being over.
I know I'm not fully explaining all of the things that she did to me, but I just don't want to get too upset. Maybe I will write more another time, but for now please just listen to my advice...if your gut is telling you that your friend might be toxic, they probably are. It doesn't matter what the checklists or articles say. If you have tried to make things work, but they are generally bad, it's toxic. If you have tried to set boundaries, but your "friend" doesn't respect them, that's toxic. If they make you feel upset and awful a lot of the time, that's toxic. So, do yourself a favor, and get out. I know I'm glad that I did. I only wish I had done it much, much sooner.
