Survivor's Guilt

[My blog posts aren't perfect.  I know that.  But if I try to be perfect, I will never do anything at all.]

It's a strange thing, to feel guilty for being happy or enjoying things.  It happened again to me today.  I was playing a YouTube video of a full B-52's album (easier than popping in my CD, plus it shows lyrics, etc.).

I put this video on...

[click image to go to video]

...in order to get some energy to do some work around the house.  I was enjoying it until I thought about how my late sister Kim also liked the B-52's.  Then I felt guilty for being alive, for dancing around, for enjoying the music at all, when she so obviously couldn't do the same.

Kim wasn't the kind of person who would ever want anyone to feel bad about anything, or to not enjoy their life, yet I still feel this guilt about being happy.  I feel this guilt regarding everyone we've lost, but of course especially when it comes to Kim, because she was my youngest sister and I'll always believe that she should still be here.  I mean, I wish that the older people we've lost could be here, too, but Kim should be with her son.  

I have to keep telling myself that Kim wouldn't want me to feel this way.  Maybe one of these days that truth will get through to me, but for now it's still this way.

Grief just keeps kicking my ass.

Anyone who is grieving will understand what I mean.  Grief can really kick you in the ass some days.

We can stay busy and try to involve ourselves in good things and try to have happy days, but then something we hear or read or see will make us think of the loved one we've lost, and the pain is like a sock in the gut.

Of course, we think of them every day.  Sometimes we try not to, because the pain is too much, but then we feel guilty for not wanting to think about them.

People say that one day you will just remember the good times and not feel the pain so much, but I'm certainly not at that point yet.

We'll always miss you, Kim.

My sister Kim died a year ago today.  I will never entirely believe that it's true that she is gone.  I just can't comprehend it.

Guilt seems to be a part of this grieving process.  I was watching an episode of The Neighbors the other night and the older sister was explaining to the younger sister that they couldn't spend time together because they were too far apart in both ages and interests at the moment, but that in about 10 years they could hang out and have fun and do things.

That show just made me so sad, because I thought of how I didn't spend time with either of my younger sisters when we were young.  Not enough time anyway.

I also feel guilty because in recent years I know that I wasn't there enough for Kim when she had problems and needed me.  I don't mean just at the end, when she was dying, but throughout all of her troubling times.  In fairness, though, I've never been there enough for anyone in my life, because of my health problems, sleep problems, and other issues.  I just didn't have the energy or emotional strength to deal with things, or even to have fun at times.

What I have learned in this past year about dealing with grief:

Try to keep busy.  It helps to get worn out and be able to sleep and night and not think so much.

Try to focus on the loved ones who are still here, especially the ones who are hurting and grieving the most.  Do what you can for them, and try to enjoy your time with them.

Try to take care of yourself, otherwise you're not going to be good for anyone else.

Try to enjoy life.  I'm still having a really hard time with this one.  I don't feel the joy that I used to feel about a lot of things.  I know that I can't waste my life being sad, but it's still hard to feel happy most of the time.

Kim Saxe was loved by so, so many people.  I know that a lot of people are very sad to not have her here with us - family, friends, patients, everyone.  Many of us will never be the same as we were before this happened.  All we can do is try our best to be there for each other.