We'll always miss you, Kim.

My sister Kim died a year ago today.  I will never entirely believe that it's true that she is gone.  I just can't comprehend it.

Guilt seems to be a part of this grieving process.  I was watching an episode of The Neighbors the other night and the older sister was explaining to the younger sister that they couldn't spend time together because they were too far apart in both ages and interests at the moment, but that in about 10 years they could hang out and have fun and do things.

That show just made me so sad, because I thought of how I didn't spend time with either of my younger sisters when we were young.  Not enough time anyway.

I also feel guilty because in recent years I know that I wasn't there enough for Kim when she had problems and needed me.  I don't mean just at the end, when she was dying, but throughout all of her troubling times.  In fairness, though, I've never been there enough for anyone in my life, because of my health problems, sleep problems, and other issues.  I just didn't have the energy or emotional strength to deal with things, or even to have fun at times.

What I have learned in this past year about dealing with grief:

Try to keep busy.  It helps to get worn out and be able to sleep and night and not think so much.

Try to focus on the loved ones who are still here, especially the ones who are hurting and grieving the most.  Do what you can for them, and try to enjoy your time with them.

Try to take care of yourself, otherwise you're not going to be good for anyone else.

Try to enjoy life.  I'm still having a really hard time with this one.  I don't feel the joy that I used to feel about a lot of things.  I know that I can't waste my life being sad, but it's still hard to feel happy most of the time.

Kim Saxe was loved by so, so many people.  I know that a lot of people are very sad to not have her here with us - family, friends, patients, everyone.  Many of us will never be the same as we were before this happened.  All we can do is try our best to be there for each other.

Happy Birthday Kim

Yesterday would've been my sister Kim's 43rd birthday.  Here is just one example of the kind of person she was.  At her memorial, her friend Joanne told me about this time when she went to the dentist.  Joanne came out after seeing the dentist and her young son was playing a game on a Nintendo DS.  Joanne asked him where he got the DS, and her son said that a lady had loaned it to him because he was bored.  That lady ended up being Kim.  She just loaned her device to a complete stranger, not knowing if she would ever get it back.

Like I said previously, many people at Kim's memorial talked about what a wonderful person she was.  It's the way that we'd all like to be remembered and thought of.  It was difficult but also helpful to hear how much she was loved and liked.

Kim Saxe was an Incredible Mother, Daughter, Sister, Doctor, and Friend to so Many

This is my first blog and my first post.  I named
it 'Christina Bambina says...' because my sister
Kim liked that name when it used to be my
email address.

I still can't believe she's gone.  Kim (Wetzler)
Saxe, N.D.  She was only 42.  She died
November 14, 2012, after a short battle with
an aggressive cancer.  She left behind a
wonderful 5-year-old son.  He's really hurting
right now, as you would imagine.

So many bad people (who hurt other people)
are still here on this planet, but a good person
(Kim) who helped other people, is not.  I know
that's true in the case of many people who pass
on too soon (including children).  It's just not
right.

My sister Juli planned the whole memorial, and
she did a really amazing job.  It was as beautiful
as any memorial could be.  There was a photo
slideshow of Kim, music, and food that looked
really nice.  Juli spent many days putting together that
slideshow, which I know was really hard to do.

I don't like being around people very much, so
the memorial was doubly difficult for me.  It
was heartwarming, though, to hear from all of
Kim's friends and patients just how much she
meant to them.  She really was an incredible
woman.

Many of us (including our mom) have been
brokenhearted since Kim has been gone.  I feel
like some part of me will never truly believe that
she is gone.  It just doesn't feel right, and it
never will.

We are all trying hard to be there for Kim's son
Ethan whenever we can, and make him feel
loved and cared for.  Kim and Ethan were
really close and he loved her so, so much.  He
misses her a lot.

I keep telling myself that I need to honor Kim's
memory by getting myself healthy,
accomplishing the things I want to accomplish,
and enjoying every day that I have, but it's been
hard to do that.  I just keep trying every day. 
That's the best that I can do.