Grief Doesn't Seem to Get Much Easier, Does It?

The reason that I keep blogging about my grief is that I think it helps me (a little bit) and I maybe it could help someone else who is going through the same thing.  I hope it does help other people, even if just in some small way.

My sister Kim died two years ago today.  Many of us are still dealing with severe emotional pain.  It doesn't seem to get that much easier.  I'm never going to completely accept it, understand it, or believe it.  It just will never make sense to me.

It's not fair to Kim's son to have lost his loving mother, and it's not fair to our mother to have lost such a young daughter.  But I know that life isn't fair, and many people experience this same type of loss.

I'm always wishing that all of the good people who are gone could come back, and all of the evil people in this world could leave and take their place in the afterlife.  I know, all of the wishing I do won't bring Kim back.  Many of us - her son, her mother, her sisters, and her friends and others are all missing her terribly.

I wish I could say that I'm getting past this grief.  I think that I never really will.  I have to learn to live with it, and I'm still working on that.  I just feel that such a serious type of loss like this is one that you never really get over. 

To others who are going through the same thing, I wish you peace.

Happy Birthday Kim - We Still Miss You Every Day

 

 

 

 

 



This would've been Kim's 44th birthday.  This is a tough day for everyone who loved her.

I know that she lived a full and rich life.  She had many friends and people who loved her.  No matter how well she lived, she still would've wanted a lot more time to be here, and we would've all wanted the same thing.

Her son really needs her here.  He misses her so much every day, as do all the rest of us. 

I know that many of you who read this someday will have experienced the same thing.  It continues to be hard to deal with my grief, even almost two years later.  People I know who are intensely grieving all seem to seek out things to distract them and to keep them occupied.  I do the same thing.

I watch too much TV, play too many video games, and things like that.  I feel that I need to shift to some more positive and useful distractions, like making art or writing books.  I'm working on those things in small doses.

My wish for anyone who is going through what we are is that you find positive and uplifting things to help you as you carry on.  We will always remember and love the people who are no longer with us, but we also need to focus on the life we still have and the people who are still here.

I wish all of you peace and joy and happiness.  I'm still searching for ways to have that myself.

Our Rude Neighbors Have Hung up Wind Chimes

Wind chimes are so annoying, at least to those of us who are very sensitive to sounds.  The neighbors put up wind chimes two days ago, and they are driving me insane. 

I know some people might think that I'm being ridiculous, because they think wind chimes aren't that bad.  Well, everyone is different.  Things that bug them might not bug me.

It's almost worse when the wind chimes are tinkling more softly, because I always think our fridge is acting up (it tends to make strange sounds) or that the cat is getting into some trouble in the kitchen.  I'm just constantly on edge when those chimes are going.

The neighbors are being very selfish and rude, since all the homes around here are only a few feet away from each other.  Also, we live in a windy area, so they are chiming almost all the time. 

My husband is annoyed by the wind chimes, too, but he won't let me sneak out in the middle of the night and cut them down (which I wouldn't really do, but when I feel crazy and desperate, I think about it) and he won't let me write to the neighbors about them.  He doesn't want to start any trouble or bad feelings in the neighborhood.

I sleep in the front of the house, where the awful wind chimes are located.  I also have to hear them all day when I am home.  The only thing I can do right now is run a fan so it can create white noise to drown out the terrible, terrible sound.

Come on people, be considerate of others when you are thinking of putting up something so noisy and irritating.  Just don't do it!

Grief just keeps kicking my ass.

Anyone who is grieving will understand what I mean.  Grief can really kick you in the ass some days.

We can stay busy and try to involve ourselves in good things and try to have happy days, but then something we hear or read or see will make us think of the loved one we've lost, and the pain is like a sock in the gut.

Of course, we think of them every day.  Sometimes we try not to, because the pain is too much, but then we feel guilty for not wanting to think about them.

People say that one day you will just remember the good times and not feel the pain so much, but I'm certainly not at that point yet.

We'll always miss you, Kim.

My sister Kim died a year ago today.  I will never entirely believe that it's true that she is gone.  I just can't comprehend it.

Guilt seems to be a part of this grieving process.  I was watching an episode of The Neighbors the other night and the older sister was explaining to the younger sister that they couldn't spend time together because they were too far apart in both ages and interests at the moment, but that in about 10 years they could hang out and have fun and do things.

That show just made me so sad, because I thought of how I didn't spend time with either of my younger sisters when we were young.  Not enough time anyway.

I also feel guilty because in recent years I know that I wasn't there enough for Kim when she had problems and needed me.  I don't mean just at the end, when she was dying, but throughout all of her troubling times.  In fairness, though, I've never been there enough for anyone in my life, because of my health problems, sleep problems, and other issues.  I just didn't have the energy or emotional strength to deal with things, or even to have fun at times.

What I have learned in this past year about dealing with grief:

Try to keep busy.  It helps to get worn out and be able to sleep and night and not think so much.

Try to focus on the loved ones who are still here, especially the ones who are hurting and grieving the most.  Do what you can for them, and try to enjoy your time with them.

Try to take care of yourself, otherwise you're not going to be good for anyone else.

Try to enjoy life.  I'm still having a really hard time with this one.  I don't feel the joy that I used to feel about a lot of things.  I know that I can't waste my life being sad, but it's still hard to feel happy most of the time.

Kim Saxe was loved by so, so many people.  I know that a lot of people are very sad to not have her here with us - family, friends, patients, everyone.  Many of us will never be the same as we were before this happened.  All we can do is try our best to be there for each other.

Happy Birthday Kim

Yesterday would've been my sister Kim's 43rd birthday.  Here is just one example of the kind of person she was.  At her memorial, her friend Joanne told me about this time when she went to the dentist.  Joanne came out after seeing the dentist and her young son was playing a game on a Nintendo DS.  Joanne asked him where he got the DS, and her son said that a lady had loaned it to him because he was bored.  That lady ended up being Kim.  She just loaned her device to a complete stranger, not knowing if she would ever get it back.

Like I said previously, many people at Kim's memorial talked about what a wonderful person she was.  It's the way that we'd all like to be remembered and thought of.  It was difficult but also helpful to hear how much she was loved and liked.

Kim Saxe was an Incredible Mother, Daughter, Sister, Doctor, and Friend to so Many

This is my first blog and my first post.  I named
it 'Christina Bambina says...' because my sister
Kim liked that name when it used to be my
email address.

I still can't believe she's gone.  Kim (Wetzler)
Saxe, N.D.  She was only 42.  She died
November 14, 2012, after a short battle with
an aggressive cancer.  She left behind a
wonderful 5-year-old son.  He's really hurting
right now, as you would imagine.

So many bad people (who hurt other people)
are still here on this planet, but a good person
(Kim) who helped other people, is not.  I know
that's true in the case of many people who pass
on too soon (including children).  It's just not
right.

My sister Juli planned the whole memorial, and
she did a really amazing job.  It was as beautiful
as any memorial could be.  There was a photo
slideshow of Kim, music, and food that looked
really nice.  Juli spent many days putting together that
slideshow, which I know was really hard to do.

I don't like being around people very much, so
the memorial was doubly difficult for me.  It
was heartwarming, though, to hear from all of
Kim's friends and patients just how much she
meant to them.  She really was an incredible
woman.

Many of us (including our mom) have been
brokenhearted since Kim has been gone.  I feel
like some part of me will never truly believe that
she is gone.  It just doesn't feel right, and it
never will.

We are all trying hard to be there for Kim's son
Ethan whenever we can, and make him feel
loved and cared for.  Kim and Ethan were
really close and he loved her so, so much.  He
misses her a lot.

I keep telling myself that I need to honor Kim's
memory by getting myself healthy,
accomplishing the things I want to accomplish,
and enjoying every day that I have, but it's been
hard to do that.  I just keep trying every day. 
That's the best that I can do.